Contempt in a relationship is treating a partner as beneath you through sarcasm, mockery, eye-rolling or name-calling. At Love Answers, we read the conflict research from the Gottman Institute and turn it into plain words you can use when a fight turns mean.
According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. It is one of four behaviors the Institute calls the Four Horsemen. The other three are criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.
The Gottman Institute’s antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect. Start with your own contempt: catch it, say it out loud, and add a specific thank-you to each day.
What Contempt in a Relationship Looks and Sounds Like
Contempt in a relationship looks like one partner talking to the other as if they were beneath them. The Gottman Institute lists contempt alongside criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling as the Four Horsemen. The Institute says these four behaviors predict relationship trouble.
Being compared with other people is a related pattern, and our guide on why your boyfriend compares you to other girls covers what it can mean and what to say.
Common signs of contempt include:
- Sarcasm aimed at your partner, like “Wow, you remembered. Should we throw a party?”
- Mockery, such as repeating your partner’s words back in a whiny voice.
- Eye-rolling while your partner explains how they feel.
- Name-calling, such as “idiot” or “lazy,” in a fight or in passing.
- Laughing at your partner’s hurt instead of answering it.
- Talking down, as in “I’ll say it slowly so you can keep up.”
One eye-roll is a moment. Before you call something a pattern, look for these behaviors across many conversations. Describe what you saw instead of putting a label on the person who did it.
Short Examples of Contempt
These two exchanges show how contempt can sound in an ordinary week.
“Can you help me fold the laundry?” “Sure, since you obviously can’t manage it alone.” (Eye-roll.)
“I’m hurt that we missed my birthday dinner.” “Here we go. Poor you.” (Laughs.)
Compare those with the same hurt said as a complaint:
“I felt hurt when my birthday dinner got missed. I’d like us to put dates like that on the shared calendar.”
The first two replies make the other person smaller. The third names a feeling about one situation and asks for something specific. That is the softened start-up the Gottman Institute recommends as the antidote to criticism.
Contempt vs Criticism and Frustration
Contempt, criticism and frustration can all come out in one argument, and they differ in what the words aim at. A complaint aims at a situation. Criticism adds blame, and contempt treats the partner as lesser.
| Frustration Said as a Complaint | Criticism | Contempt | |
|---|---|---|---|
| What the words aim at | One situation | The partner, with blame | The partner, as if beneath you |
| Example | “I felt let down when the bill was late. Can we set a reminder?” | “You always let the bills slide.” | “Of course it’s late. Paying a bill takes a grown-up.” |
| Gottman guidance | This is the softened start-up | Antidote is softened start-up | Antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect |
| Next step | Keep the request specific | Rewrite it as a feeling plus a positive need | Stop, name the slip, and add one appreciation |
If you are unsure which one you heard, ask a simple question. Were the words about a situation, about blame, or about the person being beneath you? Only the third answer is contempt.
Appreciation and Respect as the Antidote
The Gottman Institute’s antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation and respect. In daily life, that means saying out loud what you value about your partner, often and specifically.
Try these daily habits:
- Thank your partner for one specific thing: “Thanks for packing my lunch before you left.”
- Name a quality you respect and the moment you saw it: “You stayed patient on that call with your mom. I noticed.”
- Respond when your partner reaches for you, such as looking up when they start a story or answering a text about their day.
- During a disagreement, keep some kind words in the mix: “You’re right about the budget part.”
Responding when your partner reaches for you is linked to staying together in Gottman’s work. The Gottman Institute describes a six-year follow-up of newlyweds. Couples who stayed married had turned toward their partner’s bids for connection about 86% of the time in the lab, and couples who later divorced had done so about 33% of the time.
Gottman research also found that stable couples kept roughly 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one during conflict. Outside conflict, the Gottman Institute cites a much higher everyday ratio of about 20 to 1.
Use the 5:1 figure as a picture of how stable couples handled conflict. They are not a daily target.
How to Stop Your Own Contempt
To stop your own contempt, catch the “I am better than…” thought behind it, say out loud that you slipped, and swap the jab for a specific complaint.
- Notice the thought. Listen for a silent line like “I am better than this” or “I’m the only adult in this house.” That thought is your signal to pause.
- Stop and name it. Say it plainly: “That came out mean. Let me try again.”
- Find the complaint underneath. Ask which situation bothered you, such as the dishes, a late text or a forgotten bill.
- Use a softened start-up. Describe your feelings about that one situation and state a positive need without blame: “I felt stressed when the bill was late. I’d like us to set a reminder together.”
- Add one appreciation today. Pick something specific your partner did and say it before bed.
If your heart is pounding and you cannot think straight, take a break before step 3. The Gottman Institute calls this flooding and says it is often marked by a heart rate above about 100 beats per minute (bpm). Gottman recommends a break of at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours.
Treat that heart rate as approximate Gottman guidance. It is not a medical cutoff. Our stonewalling guide shows how to call that break out loud. The communication guide has more scripts for raising a complaint before it turns sharp.
How to Respond When a Partner Shows Contempt
If this partner also uses threats, humiliation or fear to control you, skip these scripts and call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
If a partner shows contempt toward you, wait for a calm moment, describe the exact words or gesture, and ask for one change. Use the same softened start-up you would want from them.
“At dinner, when you rolled your eyes and called my idea stupid, I felt small. I’d like us to disagree without put-downs. Can we try that this week?”
Try these moves:
- Quote the words or name the gesture instead of calling your partner a name back.
- Raise it when neither of you is in the middle of a fight.
- Ask for one specific change you could both notice.
- If the mockery starts again during the talk, pause it: “I’ll keep going when we can do this without jokes at my expense. Can we pick it up in an hour?”
- If either of you is flooded, take a break of at least 20 minutes and set a return time.
These scripts assume a partner who slips into put-downs during conflict. Suppose you raise it calmly more than once and nothing changes. The how to save a relationship guide covers bigger steps, and the should I stay quiz walks you through your options. If insults come with threats or fear, go straight to the next section.
When Contempt in a Relationship Becomes a Safety Issue
If a partner uses insults, humiliation, threats or fear to control you, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. It is free, confidential and open 24/7. You can also reach love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.
If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988. Call 911 in an emergency.
Contempt used to control or scare you is not a communication skill gap. Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening.
Examples include being humiliated in front of friends as punishment, insults that come with threats, or feeling afraid of how your partner will react if you disagree. The toxic relationship guide and the red flags guide describe more warning signs. The toxic relationship quiz can help you sort out what you are seeing. If the contempt shows up as shouting, read whether yelling is emotional abuse.
If fear enters the relationship, call an advocate at one of the hotlines above before you try any couples work.
What the Research Shows and Does Not Show
According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. That finding is a link seen across couples. It does not prove that contempt causes divorce, and it does not tell you how your relationship will end.
Gottman studies reported high accuracy in predicting divorce in hindsight, though critics note the models were not tested on new couples. Treat the findings as warning signs to act on. They are not a forecast for your relationship.
The research also gives you no way to diagnose yourself or your partner from a few behaviors. Use the word “contempt” for things you heard and saw, and keep labels for people out of it.
When to See a Couples Therapist or an Individual Therapist
Book a couples therapist when put-downs keep repeating after you have both tried the steps here, or when most arguments end with one of you being mocked. Bring the comparison table and your softened start-up scripts to the first session, so you start from shared language.
Start with an individual therapist when:
- You catch your own contempt and cannot stop it.
- A partner’s put-downs have changed how you see yourself.
- Fear or control makes couples counseling unsafe. In that case, pair the therapist with a hotline advocate.
The couples therapy vs individual therapy guide compares the two in more detail. The Four Horsemen guide explains how contempt fits with criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Today, catch one moment of your own sarcasm or eye-rolling, say “That came out mean,” and follow it with one specific thank-you to start replacing contempt in a relationship with appreciation.