Cheating is breaking the agreement you and your partner have about intimacy with other people. In most relationships, that covers sex, kissing, sexting, secret emotional relationships and active dating profiles. At Love Answers, we read the surveys on where people draw these lines, and the biggest finding is how much they disagree on the smaller behaviors.
Almost everyone counts sex outside the relationship. Far fewer agree on flirting, watching porn or following an ex. In the 2019 iFidelity Survey of 2,000 U.S. adults, 42% said flirting is cheating and 30% said using pornography without a spouse’s knowledge and consent is.
Because the line moves from couple to couple, secrecy is the most reliable test. A behavior you hide, delete or lie about is one you already suspect your partner would call cheating.
What Is Considered Cheating by Most U.S. Adults
What is considered cheating depends on the couple, but national survey data shows a clear pattern: secret emotional relationships rank close to sex, and flirting, exes and porn split people. These figures come from the iFidelity Survey, run by the Wheatley Institution and the National Marriage Project and fielded by YouGov with 2,000 U.S. adults in 2019. The Institute for Family Studies (IFS) reported them in 2024.
| Behavior | Share of U.S. adults who called it cheating |
|---|---|
| A secret emotional relationship in real life | 76% |
| A secret emotional relationship online | 72% |
| Flirting with someone else | 42% |
| Following an ex on social media | 32% |
| Using pornography without a spouse’s knowledge and consent | 30% |
Married people were stricter. In the same survey, 80% of married respondents counted a secret real-life emotional relationship as cheating, and 76% counted a secret online one.
The table leaves out sex, because nearly every monogamous couple already counts it. The behaviors in it are the ones couples argue about.
Texting Someone Else Counts When It Turns Secret or Flirty
Texting someone else is cheating for most couples when the messages turn flirty, sexual or emotionally intimate, or when they are hidden. Ordinary texting with friends, coworkers and family is not.
Messages that usually cross the line:
- “I can’t stop thinking about you.”
- Complaints about your partner you would not say in front of them.
- Late-night “goodnight” texts to one person every day.
- Any thread you delete so your partner will not see it.
Messages that usually do not: plans, work logistics, group chats, and friendly catch-ups you would happily show your partner. When texting becomes a daily emotional lifeline with one person, it has moved into emotional cheating.
Sexting Counts as Cheating for Most Couples
Sexting, meaning sending sexual messages, photos or videos, counts as cheating in nearly every monogamous relationship. It is sexual contact, done by phone instead of in person. The only exception is a couple who has openly agreed it is allowed.
People sometimes argue it does not count because no one met. Most partners do not see it that way. Physical distance does not change the fact that you shared sexual intimacy with someone else.
Watching Porn Splits Couples
Watching porn is not cheating to most people, but it is a real line for some. In the iFidelity Survey, 30% of U.S. adults counted using pornography without a spouse’s knowledge and consent as cheating.
Three things tend to decide whether porn becomes a problem in a relationship:
- Secrecy. Hiding it or lying about it often hurts more than the porn itself.
- Effect on your sex life. Choosing porn over a partner who wants intimacy reads as rejection.
- Type of content. Paying for live, one-on-one contact with a real person, such as a cam session or messaging a creator, feels closer to an affair for many partners. Watching a video usually does not.
If you and your partner disagree, talk about the specific behavior. A rule like “no paid one-on-one chats, and tell me if it ever starts affecting us” is easier to keep than a vague promise.
Kissing Someone Else Crosses the Line
Kissing someone else counts as cheating in almost every monogamous relationship, even if nothing else happens. It is physical intimacy, and it breaks the same promise as sex. A kiss on the cheek as a greeting, or a stage kiss your partner knows about, is a different thing.
People who kissed someone else often say “it was just a kiss.” That may be true about what happened next. It does not change that a promise was broken, and the conversation that follows is the same one any cheating requires.
A Dating App Profile Signals Cheating Even Without a Meeting
An active dating app profile counts as cheating to most partners, even if you never message or meet anyone. The profile says you are open to someone new, and that alone breaks the agreement of an exclusive relationship.
The details shift the seriousness:
| Situation | How most partners see it |
|---|---|
| Swiping and messaging while in a relationship | Cheating |
| Profile active, but no messages | A serious breach |
| Old profile you forgot to delete | Worth deleting and mentioning, rarely a breakup issue |
| Using an app to make friends, with your partner’s knowledge | Fine for most couples |
If you find an old app, ask before you assume. If you find recent activity, that is a conversation to have soon. Smaller hidden behaviors like this are what people call micro-cheating.
Other Gray Areas Couples Argue About
Several common behaviors fall into gray zones where reasonable couples land on different sides. The survey data gives a sense of how split people are.
- Flirting. 42% of U.S. adults in the iFidelity Survey called it cheating.
- Following an ex online. 32% called it cheating.
- Having feelings for someone else. A YouGov poll of British adults asked about romantic feelings never acted on. In it, 40% called that cheating, and 44% said it is not harmless but not cheating.
- A close friendship with someone you are attracted to. It depends on secrecy and how much it replaces your partner, which our emotional affair guide covers.
A Quick Test for Any Behavior
You can test any behavior by asking three questions:
- Would I do this with my partner in the room?
- Am I hiding it, deleting it or describing it as smaller than it is?
- Would I feel hurt if my partner did the same thing?
A “no” to the first, or a “yes” to either of the others, means it probably crosses your partner’s line. Even if you think it is harmless, that is a sign to talk before doing it again.
How to Agree on Your Own Line as a Couple
The most reliable way to know what counts as cheating in your relationship is to agree on it out loud, before a crisis. Many couples never do, and then argue about rules no one stated.
- List the gray areas. Start with texting, flirting, exes, porn, apps, close friendships.
- Each of you rates them. Fine, talk first, or off limits.
- Compare where you differ. Start with the gap that feels biggest.
- Agree on a rule for each gap. Make it a behavior, such as “no private messages with exes,” so it is easy to know when it is broken.
- Review it once a year, or after a big change like a new job.
Some differences will not fully resolve, and that is normal. The Gottman Institute reports that about 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems that couples manage through ongoing dialogue rather than solve. Our relationship check-in questions give you a regular time to revisit them.
What Would Change the Answer
These lines assume a monogamous relationship. Couples in an open or consensually non-monogamous relationship set their own rules, and cheating for them means breaking those rules in secret.
The answer also changes when one partner defines all outside contact as cheating, checks the other’s phone, or punishes ordinary friendships. That is controlling behavior, and the toxic relationship guide explains the signs. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
If you are unsure where your partner stands, our is my partner cheating quiz helps you sort worries. Then sit down this week and agree, out loud, on what is considered cheating in your relationship.