Good long distance relationship questions to ask are open questions about three things: your partner’s week, how the relationship feels, and when and how the distance ends. Rotate between those groups so a nightly call does not turn into a status report.
At Love Answers, we read the studies behind relationship advice and say how strong the evidence is. For questions, the closest research is on sharing about yourself, and one small study linked that kind of sharing to more intimacy in couples living apart.
Below are 40 questions in four groups, followed by how to use them on a call and what to do when an answer hurts.
Questions to Ask Your Long-Distance Partner
The most useful long distance relationship questions to ask fall into four groups: everyday life, closeness, the distance itself and the plan to close the gap. Ask one or two from different groups on each call. Then answer the same question yourself.
Everyday Questions About This Week
These keep you up to date on the plain details of each other’s days.
- What was the best part of your day today?
- What is one thing that annoyed you this week?
- Who did you talk to most today, besides me?
- What are you looking forward to this weekend?
- What did you eat for lunch, and was it any good?
- What song have you had on repeat lately?
- What is on your to-do list that you keep putting off?
- What made you laugh today?
- What went better than you expected this week?
- What does the room you are sitting in look like right now?
Questions About Closeness
These invite you both to share about yourselves, the kind of sharing that research on couples apart links to intimacy.
- When did you feel closest to me this week?
- What did I do recently that made you feel cared for?
- What memory of us do you replay when you miss me?
- What have you been wanting to tell me but have not found the moment for?
- What do you miss most about being in the same room?
- Is there something you wish I asked about more often?
- What made you want to keep going with us at the start?
- What are you proud of lately that I may not know about?
- What worry is on your mind that you have not said out loud?
- How do you most like me to show I am thinking of you?
Questions About the Distance Itself
These give each of you a set time to say what is hard about living apart.
- What is the hardest part of the distance for you right now?
- What time of day do you miss me most?
- Are our calls the right length and frequency for you, or would you change something?
- What kind of message from me makes your day better?
- What do you do when you feel lonely between calls?
- Has anything about how we stay in touch started to feel like a chore?
- How do you feel in the days after a visit ends?
- What do you tell friends when they ask about the distance?
- What could we try this month to make the distance easier?
- When do you feel jealous or left out, and what helps?
Long Distance Relationship Questions to Ask About Closing the Gap
These turn a vague “someday” into dates, places and steps. Save them for a call when neither of you is tired or rushed.
- When do you picture the distance ending?
- Which city could you see us living in, and why?
- Who would move, and what would that person give up?
- What would you need in place before a move, such as a job, a school or savings?
- When is our next visit, and what do we want to do on it?
- What worries you about living in the same place?
- How would we split rent, chores and time alone?
- What would an ordinary weekday together look like to you?
- If the end date slips, how should we decide what to do next?
- What is one step we can take toward the move this month?
A Call Rhythm That Avoids the Interview Feel
The simplest way to use these questions on a call is to ask one, follow up on the answer, then answer it yourself. A few habits keep that rhythm easy:
- Follow the answer. “What was the best part of your day?” opens the door. “What made it good?” and “Who was there?” keep you in the room longer than jumping to a second question.
- Answer your own question. Taking turns keeps the call a conversation and gives your partner something to ask back.
- Pick before you dial. Choose your question ahead of time so your eyes stay on your partner during the call.
- Match the question to the energy. After a long shift, an everyday question fits. Save closeness and plan questions for a slower weekend call.
- Text the light ones. “What song have you had on repeat lately?” works as a midday message and gives you a thread for the evening.
If a call already flows, skip the list that night. Keep it for evenings when you both say “nothing much happened” and the line goes quiet.
You can also answer a few of these questions on paper. Our guide to open when letters shows how to write letters your partner opens at set moments between visits.
How Often to Ask Each Group
Everyday questions fit any call, while the deeper groups work better on a slower schedule. Here is the rhythm we suggest:
| Group | How often we suggest | Good moment |
|---|---|---|
| Everyday | Any call or message | Weeknight check-ins |
| Closeness | Weekly | A longer weekend call |
| The distance itself | Every few weeks | After a visit or a rough stretch |
| The plan to close the gap | Monthly, and before booking a visit | A planned call with no time pressure |
These intervals are our suggestion, based on how heavy each group is to answer. No published study we have seen tested a question schedule for couples living apart.
If one of you wants to talk about the plan more often than the other, say so out loud. Then agree on a date for the next plan call, so neither of you has to keep raising it.
What to Do When an Answer Stings
When a partner’s answer hurts, slow down and ask one follow-up before you defend yourself. These steps help:
- Take a breath before you reply. A few seconds of silence on video can feel long, and that is fine.
- Repeat back what you heard. “So the calls have started to feel like a chore some nights?” lets your partner correct you if you misheard.
- Ask one follow-up. “What would make them feel easier?” moves the talk toward a change you can make together.
- Thank your partner for saying it. You want them to answer the next hard question too.
- Name a day to come back to it. You do not need to solve it tonight, but keep the date you set.
A painful answer gives you information you would not have had without the question. If the same answer comes back across several calls, it needs its own conversation.
Answers That Signal a Bigger Talk
Some answers point past a single call and need a planned conversation of their own. Watch for these:
- Your partner cannot name even a rough end date, or changes the subject whenever the plan comes up.
- One of you says calls feel like a chore for weeks in a row.
- An answer about jealousy turns into requests to prove where you are.
- One of you has stopped talking about the move the other is counting on.
- You notice you avoid certain questions because you fear the answer.
For the first two, book a call just for the plan and use the closing-the-gap questions above as the agenda. Our guide on how to make a long-distance relationship work has more on building that shared plan.
If you avoid a question out of fear, ask it on a call where you have time afterward. Tell your partner first that the question is hard for you to ask.
Questions about where your partner is should come from curiosity. If they turn into demands for constant location sharing or proof of where you were, that is controlling behavior, and a question list is the wrong tool. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788) and love is respect (1-866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522) can help you think it through.
The Research on Long-Distance Couples and Sharing
Questions matter when you live apart because sharing about yourself is linked to the closeness couples apart report. In a small diary study published by the Stanford Social Media Lab, Jiang and Hancock (2013, Journal of Communication) found long-distance dating couples had fewer daily interactions than couples living close. They also reported more intimacy.
The researchers traced that difference to two things: more self-disclosure, and more idealized views of each partner’s behavior. The closeness questions above invite the first. Our reading is that the everyday and plan questions balance the second, because they ask about plain weekdays and real logistics.
A second study points the same way. According to a Psychology Today summary, Kelmer, Rhoades, Stanley and Markman (2013, Family Process) found people in long-distance relationships reported equal or higher relationship quality and dedication than couples living close, and felt less “trapped.”
Neither study tested question lists. Treat them as support for talking openly rather than proof that a set of questions works. Our page on whether long-distance relationships work covers what happens when couples move to the same city.
The 36 Questions Compared with a Long-Distance Rotation
The 36 questions were designed for pairs of strangers in one sitting, which makes them a different tool from a rotation across many calls. In the original study by Aron, Melinat, Aron, Vallone and Bator (1997, Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin), strangers took turns with escalating self-disclosure questions for about 45 minutes, according to Greater Good in Action at the University of California, Berkeley. Those pairs reported more closeness than pairs who made small talk.
The study measured closeness. It did not test love, and the authors said the exercise likely does not create commitment or loyalty.
| The 36 questions | A long-distance rotation | |
|---|---|---|
| Built for | Pairs of strangers | Couples already together and living apart |
| Time | About 45 minutes in one sitting (Aron and colleagues, 1997, via Greater Good in Action) | One or two questions per call, over weeks |
| Topics | Escalating self-disclosure | Daily life, closeness, the distance, the move |
| Research behind it | More closeness than small talk, in strangers | No published test we have seen |
| Best use | A one-time video date | A weekly habit |
Pick the 36 questions if you want one long video date with a clear structure. Pick the rotation if you want something new to ask every week. For more prompts, try our list of deep questions to ask your partner, or let the couples question generator pull one at random.
When a Question List Is the Wrong Tool
A question list is the wrong tool when the problem is safety, control or a decision one of you has already made. Skip it in these cases:
- One partner uses questions to check up on the other. Stop the list and talk about the checking itself.
- One of you has decided to end things. Questions about the future will land as pressure, and a direct conversation is kinder.
- You already talk easily for hours. Keep the list for quiet nights only.
Our advice would change if a study of couples living apart found that scheduled questions made no difference to closeness, or hurt it. The research we cite measured sharing and closeness in general, and the 36-questions study used strangers, so this rotation rests on indirect evidence.
Before your next call, copy four long distance relationship questions to ask into your phone, one from each group, and open the call with the everyday one.