To make a long distance relationship work, give it an end date and keep the next visit booked. At Love Answers, we read the studies on long-distance couples, and the nine habits below follow what those studies found and what couples describe in their own words.
Distance on its own is a smaller risk than most people expect. In one diary study from the Stanford Social Media Lab, dating couples who lived apart talked less often each day but reported more intimacy than couples who lived close. The weak spots tend to be vague plans, long gaps between visits and the move back together.
Each habit below comes with what to say and what to do this week. If you are weighing whether to try distance at all, start with the research on whether long-distance relationships work.
How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work: 9 Habits
A long-distance relationship works best when both partners share a plan for the distance and a habit of telling each other small, ordinary things. These nine habits cover both. Start with the first two, because the rest are easier once the calendar is settled.
- Name the end date, or the date you will decide it. “We move to the same city when your contract ends in June” gives every hard week a reason. If you cannot name a date yet, pick the day you will sit down and choose one.
- Book the next visit before this one ends. Leaving the airport with a date already on the calendar makes the goodbye shorter. A 2007 study by Stafford and Merolla, reported by Pacific Standard, suggests couples with longer gaps between visits were less stable once they reunited.
- Pick a contact rhythm you both like. Some couples want a call every night. Others prefer texts through the day and two long calls a week. Choose the rhythm that matches your schedules and energy, then revisit it when a job or time zone changes.
- Share the boring details. In the diary study by Jiang and Hancock (2013), couples apart reported more intimacy, partly because they told each other more about themselves. A photo of your lunch or a voice note about a rude coworker keeps your partner inside your normal day.
- Have one real date a week. A date has a start time and a shared activity, such as cooking the same recipe on video or watching a film in sync. Our list of things to do long distance has dozens, and the date night picker filters ideas by budget.
- Move fights off text. Tone is missing in text, and slow replies feel like silence. Once an argument passes a few messages, switch to a voice call.
- Agree on jealousy and boundaries early. Talk about nights out, exes and dating apps before either of you feels suspicious. The micro-cheating guide lists the gray areas couples most often disagree on.
- Keep your own local life. Friends, a class or a team give you something to talk about and someone to lean on between calls. A partner who is your only social contact carries more weight than one person can hold.
- Check in once a month. Ask what is working, what feels hard and whether the plan has changed. The relationship check-in questions give you a short script.
What to Do in Your First Week of Distance
The first week of a long-distance relationship is the best time to set the plan, because nothing has gone wrong yet. Use this table as a checklist with your partner.
| Task | Why it helps | Done when |
|---|---|---|
| Agree on the end date or decision date | Gives both of you the same reason to keep going | You can both say the date out loud |
| Book the next visit | Cuts the dread after each goodbye | Tickets or dates are on a shared calendar |
| Set a contact rhythm | Stops one partner feeling ignored and the other smothered | You can each describe a normal week |
| Add each other’s time zone to your phone clock | Avoids calls at 2 a.m. and missed good-morning texts | Both clocks show both cities |
| Schedule the first weekly date | Turns calls into shared time instead of status updates | A day and activity are chosen |
| Agree on one fight rule | Keeps a bad text thread from running all night | You both know when to switch to a call |
The long-distance relationship apps guide covers shared calendars, time-zone widgets and watch-together tools if you want help setting this up.
What to Say When You Set the Plan
Setting the plan for a long-distance relationship goes better when you ask questions instead of announcing rules. These openers keep the talk calm.
- “When do you picture us living in the same place? Even a rough year helps me.”
- “What does a good week of talking look like for you? I want to match it, not guess.”
- “Can we book the next visit before I leave? It makes the goodbye easier for me.”
- “If we start fighting over text, can we agree to call instead of typing for an hour?”
- “What would make you feel uneasy about a night out? I would rather know now.”
If your partner avoids the end-date question every time, ask once more, plainly, and say why it matters to you: “I can do distance for a long time if I know we are heading somewhere.”
Keep Text Fights from Spiraling
Text fights spiral in long-distance relationships because a missing reply reads as anger and short answers read as contempt. A few habits stop most of them.
- Say what you need in the first message: “I felt left out when you went quiet tonight. Can we talk at 9?”
- Switch to voice after three or four heated messages.
- If your heart is racing, take a break and say when you will come back. The Gottman Institute suggests a break of at least 20 minutes, and not more than 24 hours, after feeling flooded.
- Do not end a fight by going silent overnight with no message. “I need to sleep, I love you, let’s finish this tomorrow” takes ten seconds.
Our guide on how to communicate in a relationship covers soft start-ups and repair attempts in more depth.
Plan for the Move Back Together
The move back together is the riskiest stretch of a long-distance relationship, so plan for it as carefully as you planned the distance. In one study of college students by Stafford, Merolla and Castle (2006), reported by FiveThirtyEight, about a third of couples who moved to the same place broke up within three months. Common reasons were losing independence, more conflict and jealousy, and learning things about the partner they had not seen from afar.
You can prepare for each of those reasons before the move.
- Independence. Agree that each of you keeps one night a week for your own friends or hobby.
- Conflict. Talk about chores, money and noise before you share a lease. These rarely come up over video calls.
- Surprises. Spend at least one longer stretch together before the move, so you see each other on ordinary workdays instead of only on vacation.
The same 2007 research suggests couples who idealized each other most had the hardest time reuniting. Visits where you also do laundry and errands give you a truer picture.
Who This Advice Does Not Fit
These habits assume both partners want the relationship and want the distance to end. They do not fit every situation.
- No shared end point. If one partner never wants to move and the other cannot, the habits above only delay that conversation. Talk about it directly, and use the should I stay quiz to sort your thoughts.
- Military couples. Deployments add blackout periods, mail rules and an emotional cycle of their own. Start with our deployment relationship guide instead.
- Control presented as closeness. A partner who demands constant location sharing, your passwords or photo proof of where you are is showing controlling behavior, and distance does not excuse it. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Our advice would change if your partner keeps refusing to discuss any end date after you have asked several times. Then the question is less about how to make a long distance relationship work and more about whether you both want it to. Today, send your partner one message proposing a date to talk through the end date and the next visit.