Men who cheat most often point to sexual desire, a wish for variety, or the situation they were in, such as drinking or travel, according to a study of nearly 500 people who had cheated. At Love Answers, we read the studies behind the advice and say how strong the evidence is, and the same study found women more likely to point to neglect.
Those are tendencies across a group of mostly young adults. Men also cheat out of anger, loneliness or a need to feel wanted, and women also cheat for desire and variety. The differences between men and women are real but smaller than the stereotypes.
How often each cheats depends a lot on age. Among younger married adults, women report it slightly more than men, and the gap opens up later in life.
The Reasons Men Give for Cheating
Men in the research are more likely than women to say they cheated for sexual desire, variety or situation. The finding comes from a study by Selterman, Garcia and Tsapelas, published in the Journal of Sex Research and described in a University of Maryland release. Nearly 500 people who had cheated explained why, and their answers fell into eight motives.
| Motive more common among men | What it can sound like | What it points to |
|---|---|---|
| Sexual desire | “I wanted more sex, or something different.” | A desire gap that went unspoken at home |
| Variety | “I wanted to feel something new.” | Novelty seeking more than escape from the relationship |
| Situation | “I was drunk, away for work, stressed out.” | Opportunity plus weak personal limits |
The release does not give percentages for these differences, so treat them as tendencies. Men in the study also named the other five motives: anger, lack of love, neglect, low commitment and esteem.
Situational Cheating Is Common Among Men in the Data
Situation covers cheating that happens in a moment more than as a plan: a work trip, a night of heavy drinking, a stressful stretch. It is often the motive men give when they say “it didn’t mean anything.” That can be true about their feelings and still leave the trust damage fully in place, because the choice was still theirs.
Coverage of the research in PsyPost reported that situational affairs tended to be shorter than affairs driven by anger or a loss of love. Shorter does not mean less painful. It mostly changes what repair needs to address: limits, alcohol and travel rules more than the state of the relationship.
The Reasons Women Give for Cheating
Women in the same study were more likely than men to say they cheated because of neglect. Neglect means feeling ignored, unappreciated or emotionally alone in the relationship.
An affair that starts from neglect often begins as a friendship where someone finally listens, then grows. It can look a lot like an emotional affair before it turns physical.
Women also cheat for the other seven reasons, including sexual desire, anger, esteem and variety. The motive gap between men and women is a difference in emphasis. Both lists overlap heavily.
How Often Men and Women Cheat by Age
Men report cheating more than women across all ages combined, but the gap depends on age. These numbers come from General Social Survey (GSS) data analyzed by the Institute for Family Studies (IFS) in 2018. They are self-reported answers from ever-married adults about sex outside their marriage.
| Group | Men | Women |
|---|---|---|
| All ever-married adults | 20% | 13% |
| Ever-married adults aged 18 to 29 | 10% | 11% |
| Highest rate found | 26% (men in their 70s) | 16% (women in their 60s) |
The gender gap is widest at age 80 and older, at 18 points. The IFS analysis links part of the high rates in older groups to birth-cohort effects, meaning the generation people grew up in.
Self-reported data has limits. People may under-report cheating, and the survey asks only about sex, so emotional affairs are not counted.
The Gap Between Men and Women Is Smaller Than the Myths
The gap in cheating between men and women is real but much smaller than common claims. Much higher figures circulate online, and there is no credible national data behind them. The self-reported GSS figure for ever-married men is 20%.
Among ever-married adults aged 18 to 29, women reported cheating slightly more often in this data. If you are in your 20s, the self-reported rates do not sit mostly with one gender.
What These Reasons Do Not Tell You About Your Partner
Group tendencies do not predict what one person will do. A man is not likely to cheat because he is a man, and a woman is not safe from temptation because she is a woman.
The mistake we see readers make most often is treating one sign as proof. A partner who travels for work or has a high sex drive is not cheating because those traits match a motive on a list. The motives explain cheating after the fact far better than they predict it in advance.
If you are worried about your partner right now, look at changes in their behavior. Gender tells you very little about one person. Our guides to the signs your husband is cheating and the signs your wife is cheating list the patterns worth noticing, and the is my partner cheating quiz scores them.
What to Do If Your Partner Cheated
If your partner has cheated, ask about the motive, because the motive shapes what repair has to cover. You can use the eight motives as a menu of questions.
- Ask what was going on for them when it started. Listen for situation, anger, neglect or wanting to feel wanted.
- Ask what the affair gave them. Novelty, attention and sex point to different gaps.
- Ask what they will change. A situational cheater needs new personal limits. A partner who felt neglected and chose an affair needs to learn to raise problems instead.
- Decide what you need. End of contact, openness about phones and plans, and a timeline for counseling are common requests.
If you plan to stay and work on it, how to rebuild a relationship after cheating lays out a plan for both partners. If you are not sure, the should I stay quiz helps you weigh it. Many couples find the questions about motive easier with a third person, and our online couples therapy guide compares options.
Repeat Cheating Is More Likely but Not Certain
Past cheating is linked to higher odds of future cheating for men and women alike.
A 2017 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior followed 484 unmarried U.S. adults aged 18 to 35. Prior cheaters had about three times the odds of cheating in their next relationship. Still, 45% of them did, so most did not.
What Would Change Our Read
We base the motive differences on one large study of mostly young adults, with an average age of about 20. A study of men in long marriages could find a different mix, with more weight on lack of love or low commitment. Treat the gender patterns as a starting point for questions, and judge your partner by what they do.
If cheating comes with threats, control, or a partner monitoring you, the issue is safety. The National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788.
Write down the questions you most want answered about why your partner cheated. Bring one of them to your next calm talk about why men cheat and what your relationship needs.