People cheat for eight main reasons, according to a study of nearly 500 people who had done it: anger, sexual desire, lack of love, neglect, low commitment, situation, esteem and variety. At Love Answers, we read the studies behind the advice and say how strong the evidence is, and this study gives the most detailed list of motives we have found.
Knowing the reason helps you plan what comes next. An affair that grew out of anger or a loss of love tends to look different from a one-time situational lapse, and each one asks for a different kind of repair.
A reason is an explanation. It is never a permission slip, and it does not move the choice onto the person who was cheated on.
The 8 Reasons People Cheat in the Research
The eight reasons people cheat come from a study by Selterman, Garcia and Tsapelas at the University of Maryland, published in the Journal of Sex Research. Nearly 500 people who had cheated described why, and the researchers sorted their answers into eight motives. Most people named more than one.
| Motive | What it can sound like | What it says about the relationship |
|---|---|---|
| Anger | “I wanted to hurt them back.” | Unresolved conflict or a betrayal felt by the person who cheated |
| Sexual desire | “I wanted more sex, or different sex.” | A mismatch in desire, sometimes unspoken |
| Lack of love | “I’d fallen out of love.” | The bond had faded before the affair |
| Neglect | “I felt invisible at home.” | A partner who felt ignored or uncared for |
| Low commitment | “I was never fully in it.” | Uncertainty about the relationship from the start |
| Situation | “I was drunk, away, stressed.” | Opportunity and a moment, with less planning |
| Esteem | “I wanted to feel wanted.” | A need for validation or confidence |
| Variety | “I wanted something new.” | Desire for novelty more than escape |
Two limits apply. The participants were mostly young, with an average age of about 20, so the list describes dating relationships more than long marriages. The study also measured what people said about themselves, which is not always the full story.
Most People Cheat for More Than One Reason
The motives overlap in real life. Someone who felt neglected might also have been flattered by attention, which adds esteem. Someone who was angry might have acted on a night out, which adds situation.
When you ask a partner why, expect a mix and listen for which reason they keep returning to.
Situational Cheating Looks Different from Anger or Lost Love
The motive behind an affair tends to predict what kind of affair it is. Coverage of the research in PsyPost reported that affairs driven by anger or lack of love tended to last longer and were more likely to end the primary relationship. Situational affairs tended to be shorter.
That tendency is useful for a couple deciding what comes next. A one-time lapse during a work trip still breaks trust, but the repair centers on the person’s choices and limits.
An affair that grew out of months of anger or fading love points to a relationship problem that will still be there after the affair ends. Repair has to include both.
| Motive group | Typical shape | What repair has to address |
|---|---|---|
| Situation, variety, sexual desire | Often shorter, less tied to relationship problems | The person’s limits, alcohol, travel rules, sexual communication |
| Neglect, esteem | Grows from feeling unseen | Attention, appreciation and time together |
| Anger, lack of love, low commitment | Often longer and more likely to end the relationship | Whether both partners still want the relationship at all |
Who Cheats More Often in Survey Data
Men report cheating more than women across all ages combined, but the gap is smaller than popular claims suggest and it changes with age.
The Institute for Family Studies (IFS) analyzed General Social Survey (GSS) data on this. In it, 20% of ever-married men and 13% of ever-married women said they had sex with someone other than their spouse while married. Those are self-reported numbers.
Among ever-married adults aged 18 to 29, women were slightly more likely than men to report it, at 11% versus 10%. The highest rates were among men in their 70s (26%) and women in their 60s (16%). The IFS analysis links part of that to birth-cohort effects, meaning the generation people grew up in.
Much higher figures that circulate online about marriages and men do not have credible national data behind them. Our guide on why men cheat breaks the gender differences down further.
Past Cheating Is Linked to Higher Odds of Repeat Cheating
Someone who has cheated before has higher odds of cheating again, but most do not repeat it. A 2017 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior followed 484 unmarried U.S. adults aged 18 to 35. People who reported cheating in one relationship had about three times the odds of cheating in their next one.
In raw terms, 45% of the prior cheaters reported cheating in the next relationship, compared with 18% of everyone else. That means more than half of past cheaters did not do it again. A cheating history is linked to higher odds, and what a person does after being caught tells you more.
A Reason Explains Cheating Without Excusing It
Understanding why someone cheated is part of repair, and blaming the hurt partner is never part of it. Both can be true at once: a relationship had problems, and the person who cheated chose an affair over raising them.
A common mistake is treating the reason as the verdict. “They felt neglected” can turn into “so it was my fault,” and that slide stalls recovery. A partner who felt neglected had other choices, including saying so, asking for counseling, or leaving.
If you are the partner who cheated, naming your motive is a start. Using it to argue that the affair was understandable usually reopens the wound.
How to Ask Your Partner Why They Cheated
Ask open questions about choices and feelings, and leave graphic detail out of it. Questions about the why tend to build understanding. Questions about sexual specifics tend to create images that replay in your head for months, often at the worst times.
Questions that usually help:
- “What was going on for you when it started?”
- “What did that relationship give you that you weren’t getting, or weren’t asking for?”
- “When did you know it was wrong, and what did you do then?”
- “What would have to be different for you not to do this again?”
Questions that often hurt more than they help:
- Detailed questions about sex acts or comparisons.
- “Were they better than me?”
- Questions asked at 2 a.m. in the middle of a fight.
If the conversation keeps escalating, stop for at least 20 minutes. That is the minimum break the Gottman Institute recommends when either partner feels flooded. Many couples find these questions easier with a couples therapist in the room, and our guide to online couples therapy covers options.
Why the Reason Changes What Comes Next
The motive behind the cheating shapes which path forward makes sense. A couple facing a situational lapse has a different job from a couple where one partner fell out of love two years ago.
- Situational or variety-driven cheating usually calls for clear limits and a hard look at the person’s choices. The steps in how to rebuild a relationship after cheating fit here.
- Neglect or esteem-driven cheating calls for that same work plus changes in how the couple shows care. The rebuilding trust guide has daily habits.
- Anger, lack of love or low commitment raises the question of whether both partners still want the relationship. The should I stay quiz can help you think it through.
The Gottman Institute’s affair-recovery model runs in three phases called Atone, Attune and Attach. Understanding the motive belongs mostly to the second phase, when the couple looks at what was missing.
What Would Change This Picture
We lean on the Selterman study because it asked people who cheated directly. Its sample was young and self-reported, so a study of long-married couples could find a different mix of reasons. If you have been married for decades, use the eight motives as a starting list and expect your own mix to include reasons the study did not capture.
The motive list also does not apply to cheating that sits inside a controlling or abusive relationship. If a partner uses an affair to threaten, humiliate or control you, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Write down which of the eight reasons your partner has named, or which you suspect. Use that list to plan your next conversation about why people cheat and what your relationship needs now.