Deep questions to ask your partner are the ones that reach childhood, fear, values and what you want from each other, and they work best when you both answer and nobody rushes. At Love Answers, we read the research behind question-based closeness, including the 1997 study the famous 36 questions came from, and wrote 64 original deep questions in eight groups.
The questions are written for couples who already know the basics about each other. If you are still in the first few months, start with the getting-to-know-you sections of our questions to ask your boyfriend and questions to ask your girlfriend lists, then come back.
How to Set Up a Deep Conversation
You set up a deep conversation by agreeing on it ahead of time, picking a private hour, and settling three rules before the first question. Couples who skip the setup often get one deep question in before someone checks a phone or makes a joke to escape.
Agree on these rules out loud:
- Both answer. The person who asks answers the same question after.
- Anyone can pass. No reason needed, no sulking after.
- No fixing, no debating. You can ask follow-ups, but tonight you listen and save solutions for another day.
Order the night from lighter to heavier. In a 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, described by Greater Good in Action at UC Berkeley, pairs of strangers took turns with questions that escalated over about 45 minutes. They reported more closeness than pairs who made small talk. That study measured closeness rather than love, but the order (light, then personal, then very personal) is a good template for any couple.
| Part of the night | What to ask | About how long |
|---|---|---|
| Warm-up | One question from “Who You Are Today” | 5 to 10 minutes |
| Middle | Two questions from childhood, values or love | 20 to 30 minutes |
| Deepest | One question from fears or hard times | 15 minutes |
| Close | One question from dreams and the future | 5 to 10 minutes |
Who You Are Today
These deep questions about who you are today are the easiest way into a serious conversation, because they ask about the present instead of old pain.
- What part of your life feels most like your own choice?
- What do you pretend not to care about?
- Which version of you do your coworkers know, and how is it different from the one I know?
- What would you do differently if nobody were watching?
- What are you proud of that you never mention?
- When was the last time you surprised yourself?
- What do you wish you were braver about?
- Which part of your daily routine would you defend to the end?
Childhood and Family
Childhood and family questions show where your partner learned to love, argue and apologize, which explains a lot of what happens between you now.
- What did love look like in the house you grew up in?
- How did your parents handle an argument?
- What were you praised for as a kid, and what were you ignored for?
- Which adult made you feel safe growing up?
- What did you have to do to be seen in your family?
- What rule from your childhood home do you still follow without thinking?
- What do you understand about your parents now that you could not as a child?
- What part of your family history do you want to stop with you?
Fears and Hard Times
Questions about fears and hard times ask your partner to share something painful, so give each one more time and fewer follow-ups.
- What is the worst thing that could happen to you, in your mind?
- When did you feel most out of your depth?
- What do you need from me when you feel like a failure?
- What memory do you avoid thinking about?
- Which loss changed you most?
- When do you feel like an outsider?
- What scares you about getting older?
- What is a worry you have never said out loud?
If an answer here touches abuse, self-harm or a crisis, stop the question night and focus on that answer. Thank your partner for telling you, ask what they need right now, and know where help is. The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline takes calls and texts at 988, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788), and 911 is for emergencies.
Values and Beliefs
Values questions show what your partner will not compromise on, which matters more over decades than whether you like the same movies.
- What is something you believe that most of your friends do not?
- What would you quit a job over?
- How do you decide whether someone deserves a second chance?
- What does a fair split of work at home look like to you?
- What role does faith or spirituality play in your life, if any?
- When is it right to lie?
- What do you owe your parents as they age?
- How do you want to treat money: as safety, freedom or something to share?
Love and Each Other
Love questions turn the conversation toward the two of you: how your partner feels loved, what they fear in the relationship, and what they hope you keep.
- When did you first feel safe with me?
- What do I do that makes you feel chosen?
- What do you worry I think about you?
- What part of yourself are you still nervous to show me?
- How do you know when I am upset before I say it?
- What is the kindest thing I have done that I probably forgot?
- What do you think we are better at than most couples?
- What do you miss about the early days of us?
Past Relationships
Questions about past relationships help you understand your partner’s habits and fears without turning into a comparison. Ask what your partner learned, and skip the details.
- What did your last relationship teach you about what you need?
- What did you do in past relationships that you do not want to repeat?
- What do you think people misunderstood about you when you were with someone else?
- What does a breakup feel like for you in the first week?
- What made you trust someone too fast, or too slow, before?
- What did you learn about apologizing from someone you dated?
- What are you still carrying from a past relationship?
- What do you want me to know so I do not repeat someone else’s mistake?
Dreams and the Future
Dreams and future questions end a deep conversation on hope. Use one as the last question of the night.
- If nothing could go wrong, what would you try in the next five years?
- What would you want your life to look like if we stayed together for 50 years?
- What would you regret not doing?
- What kind of old person do you want to be?
- What do you want to give the people who come after you?
- What would make you feel your life was well spent?
- What dream do you think I do not know about?
- Where do you hope we are as a couple one year from tonight?
For Couples Who Have Been Together for Years
Long-term couples need deep questions that ask what changed, because old answers go out of date without anyone noticing.
- How have you changed since we met?
- What do you need from me now that you did not need at the start?
- What part of our routine has gone stale for you?
- What hard time of ours made us stronger, and what did it cost?
- What do you wish I asked you about more often?
- When do you feel most alone in our relationship?
- What should we stop doing because we have always done it?
- What would you want to say to me if you knew it would not hurt?
What to Say After a Hard Answer
The right response to a hard answer is to thank your partner and ask what they need, before you share your own feelings about it. Deep questions only work if answering them feels safe.
Use one of these replies:
- “Thank you for telling me. I did not know that.”
- “That makes sense of something I have noticed.”
- “Do you want me to just listen, or would you like my thoughts?”
- “Can we come back to this later in the week?”
Avoid three reactions. Do not top their story with a harder one of yours. Do not explain why they should feel differently. Never bring the answer up later as a weapon in a fight, because one breach can end question nights for good.
If an answer makes you feel hurt or defensive, pause. The Gottman Institute describes “flooding” as physical overwhelm during conflict, often with a racing heart, and suggests a break of at least 20 minutes before you return to the topic. Say “I need a few minutes, and I will come back,” and then come back.
The relationship check-in questions give you a weekly structure for bringing up something a deep question surfaced.
When Deep Questions Are a Bad Idea
Deep questions are a bad idea right after a fight, during the first days after you discover an affair, or with a partner who uses what you share to control or shame you. In each case, safety and calm come first. If your partner uses your answers to control or shame you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). After an affair, the how to rebuild a relationship after cheating guide lays out what to talk about and when.
Our advice would change if question nights keep reopening the same painful topic without progress. That pattern usually needs a third person, and the online couples therapy guide compares options.
Pick four deep questions to ask your partner using the warm-up, middle, deepest and close order above, and ask your partner tonight which evening this week works.