Questions & Dates6 guides
Questions to Ask Your Partner and Date Night Ideas
Conversation starters, check-ins, games and dates that bring you closer.
The best questions to ask your partner are open-ended, specific and matched to the moment: light ones on a drive, deeper ones on a quiet night, and practical ones at a set weekly time. At Love Answers, we read the research on how couples build closeness, including the 1997 study behind the famous 36 questions and the Gottman Institute’s work on everyday attention, and wrote original question lists, games and date ideas you can use tonight.
Six guides and two free tools sit under Questions & Dates. Use the question lists to learn something new, the check-in script to stay on the same page, and the date and game ideas to give those conversations a setting.
If you want a single question right now, the couples question generator picks one by mood and depth.
Guides in this section
20 Questions to Ask Your Partner Tonight
These 20 questions to ask your partner are a starting set for any couple, new or long-term. They come from none of our longer lists, so you can start here and move on to those later.
Light
- What was the best part of your day that you did not tell anyone about?
- Which meal would you eat on your last day on Earth?
- What did you think adults did all day when you were a kid?
- What is a small luxury you would never give up?
- Which place from your past would you visit again for one hour?
Personal 6. What are you looking forward to this month? 7. Who shaped you more than they know? 8. What is a decision you are glad you made, even though it was hard? 9. What do you want to get better at this year? 10. When did you last laugh so hard you cried?
About the two of you 11. What is your favorite ordinary moment with me? 12. When do you feel most understood by me? 13. What do I do that you wish I did more often? 14. What did you think of me before we were close? 15. What tradition should we start?
Bigger 16. What does home mean to you? 17. What would you like our life to look like in three years? 18. What fear would you like help carrying? 19. What do you think we argue about most, and why? 20. What do you want to make sure we never lose?
Ask three or four in one sitting and save the rest for another night. Each question should get at least one follow-up before you move on.
Which Guide to Start With
The right guide depends on what you want from the next conversation: to have fun, to learn something new, to fix something small, or to plan time together.
| What you want | Start here |
|---|---|
| Fun and flirty talk with a boyfriend | Questions to ask your boyfriend (108 questions) |
| Fun and flirty talk with a girlfriend | Questions to ask your girlfriend (108 questions) |
| A serious, close conversation | Deep questions to ask your partner (64 questions) |
| A regular habit for small problems | Relationship check-in questions (weekly script) |
| Something to do together | Date night ideas (81 dates) or couples games (30 games) |
| Ideas for when you live apart | Things to do in a long-distance relationship |
Questions for Boyfriends and Girlfriends
The boyfriend and girlfriend lists each have 108 questions in six groups: fun, getting to know you, deep, flirty, future and your relationship. They share no questions, so a couple can swap lists and each ask from the other’s.
The questions to ask your boyfriend guide shows which group fits a car ride, a text or a quiet night, and which questions to skip because they tend to shut a talk down. The questions to ask your girlfriend guide sorts its questions by how long you have been together and gives five follow-up lines that show you listened.
Deep Questions and the 36 Questions
Deep questions work when the order runs from light to heavy and both people answer. That order comes from a 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, described by Greater Good in Action at UC Berkeley. Pairs of strangers who took turns with escalating personal questions for about 45 minutes reported more closeness than pairs who made small talk. The study measured closeness rather than love, so treat any “36 questions to fall in love” headline with care.
The deep questions to ask your partner guide turns that order into a four-part evening, with replies to use when an answer is hard to hear.
Check-Ins for Small Problems
A weekly check-in gives small frustrations a set time and a calm format, so they do not come out sideways during a bad day. The relationship check-in questions guide is a 20-minute script with five steps: appreciation, what went well, what felt hard, one request each and the week ahead. It also has monthly questions on money, chores and family, and a yearly review.
The script leans on the softened start-up, which the Gottman Institute describes as stating how you feel about a specific situation and what you need, without blame. If check-ins keep stalling on the same topic, the how to communicate in a relationship guide goes further.
Dates and Games
Dates and games give conversation a setting, and shared activity often makes talking easier than sitting across a table. The date night ideas list has 81 dates sorted by budget, at home, outdoors, season and long distance. The date night picker narrows them to three by budget and energy.
The couples games list has 30 games for two, from Hot Seat and Two Truths and a Lie to two-player card games and car games, with rules for keeping play friendly.
Small attention counts as much as big plans. In the Gottman Institute’s six-year follow-up of newlyweds, described in its post on turning toward each other, couples who stayed married had responded to each other’s bids for attention about 86% of the time in the lab, compared with about 33% for couples who later divorced.
For Couples Who Live Apart
Long-distance couples can use every list in this section over video. One 2013 diary study by Jiang and Hancock, published through the Stanford Social Media Lab, found long-distance dating couples reported more intimacy than nearby couples, driven largely by more self-disclosure. Question nights fit that pattern well.
For games, dates and routines built for distance, start with things to do in a long-distance relationship.
When Talking Is Not the Next Step
Questions, check-ins and dates help couples who feel safe with each other. They are the wrong tool when a partner controls, threatens or frightens you, and talking more will not fix that. The toxic relationship quiz helps you sort a rough patch from a harmful pattern, and the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788).
Our advice would also change after a betrayal. The first weeks after an affair need a different plan, which the how to rebuild a relationship after cheating guide lays out.
Pick three questions to ask your partner from the 20 above, and ask the first one before the end of the day.
Frequently asked questions
What are good questions to ask your partner?
Good questions to ask your partner are open-ended and specific, like “When do you feel most like yourself?” or “What do you need from me when you feel like a failure?” They invite a story instead of a yes or no. Follow each one with a second question, such as “What was that like?”
What are deep questions to ask your partner?
Deep questions cover childhood, fears, values and the relationship itself, such as “What did love look like in the house you grew up in?” Ask them in private, answer them yourself, and allow a pass. The deep questions to ask your partner list has 64.
Do the 36 questions make you fall in love?
No study shows that. In the 1997 study by Arthur Aron and colleagues, pairs of strangers who took turns with escalating personal questions for about 45 minutes reported more closeness than pairs who made small talk. The researchers measured closeness rather than love and said the questions likely do not create commitment.
How do I get my partner to open up?
Go first with your own answer, ask side by side on a walk or a drive, start light, and let either of you pass on any question. Thank your partner for hard answers and never bring them up in a fight. Over weeks, those habits make sharing feel safe.
What should couples talk about every week?
A weekly talk should cover what each of you appreciated, what felt hard, one request each and the week’s plans. The relationship check-in questions give you a 20-minute script in that order.
What are cheap date night ideas for couples?
Cheap date nights include a sunset walk with takeout, a library swap, a free museum night, a grocery store dinner race and a home tasting flight. The date night ideas list has 81 dates sorted by budget, place and season.
Keep exploring
Sources
Love Answers offers general relationship information and is no substitute for therapy. If a partner controls, threatens or frightens you, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is free and confidential at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). For thoughts of self-harm, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
Love Answers publishes general information about relationships. It is not therapy, medical, legal or psychological advice and does not replace a licensed professional who knows your situation. Some links may be affiliate links; that never changes what we recommend.
If you feel unsafe with a partner, call 911 in an emergency, or reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). For thoughts of suicide or a mental health crisis, call or text 988.