Long-Distance Relationships That Actually Last

What the Research Says About Long Distance Relationships

Research on long distance relationships finds couples apart do about as well as couples who live close while the distance lasts. Four studies come up most often.

• Jiang and Hancock (2013). In a diary study from the Stanford Social Media Lab, couples apart had fewer daily interactions but reported more intimacy, driven by more self-disclosure and a more idealized view of each other.
• Kelmer and colleagues (2013). Summarized in Psychology Today, this study found long-distance partners reported equal or higher quality and dedication, and felt less trapped.
• Stafford and Merolla (2007). Reported by Pacific Standard, it suggests couples who idealized each other most, and those with longer gaps between visits, were least stable after reuniting.
• Stafford, Merolla and Castle (2006). In this study of college students, reported by FiveThirtyEight, about a third of couples who moved to the same place broke up within three months.

The samples are limited, and several of the studies used college students. None gives a reliable failure rate for long distance relationships in general, and we could not trace the popular percentages to any study. Our full breakdown is in do long-distance relationships work, including the signs that yours is on solid ground.

How to Make a Long Distance Relationship Work Day to Day

A long distance relationship holds up best with a shared plan and a routine. The plan is an end date, or the date you will decide one, plus the next visit already booked. The routine is a contact rhythm you both like, one real date a week and an agreement to move fights from text to a call.

Our guide on how to make a long-distance relationship work turns this into nine habits, a first-week checklist and scripts for the conversations most couples put off. It also covers the move back together, which the research above flags as the riskiest stretch.

A quick self-check helps before you read further:

• Can you both say roughly when the distance ends?
• Is the next visit booked, or at least given a target month?
• Do calls feel like something you look forward to most weeks?
• Do you know what each of you considers crossing a line?

If you answered no to two or more, start with the habits guide.

Things to Do Together from Far Away

Shared activities turn a call into a date. Watching a film in sync, cooking the same recipe on video or playing a turn-based game gives you something to react to together instead of trading updates.

Our list of things to do in a long-distance relationship has 50 ideas sorted by energy and time zone gap, from falling asleep on a call to planning your next visit. For a random pick filtered by budget, use the date night picker. For question games and deep-conversation nights, the couples question generator gives you a prompt by mood.

Apps That Help Long Distance Couples

Most long distance couples need four apps: one for video calls, one for watching or listening together, one for sharing photos through the day and a shared calendar for visits. Our guide to long-distance relationship apps names apps that do each job, what each one does for you, and when location sharing helps or turns into control.

Fewer apps often work better than more. Pick one per job and keep the ones you both open without reminders.

Gifts and Letters That Close the Gap

The best long distance gifts show up in your partner’s normal day and point back to you. Touch lamps, a printed photo book, a worn hoodie and a care package all work, and so does part of a plane ticket. Our long-distance relationship gifts guide sorts ideas into budget bands, from under $25 to over $150, and lists what to skip.

Letters cost almost nothing, and your partner can reread them for months. Our open when letters guide has 64 envelope ideas grouped by theme, what to write inside each one, and a free printable set of labels.

Military Couples and Long Distance

Military couples face distance with less control over timing, plus deployments with limited contact and strict mail rules for boot camp. Our military relationships hub covers dating someone in the service, boot camp letters, spouse jobs and military divorce rules.

If your partner is deploying, start with the deployment relationship guide. It walks through the emotional cycle families often describe, care packages and staying close through blackout periods. Many of the long-distance habits above still apply, and open when letters suit deployments especially well.

When Distance Is Not the Problem

Some trouble in a long distance relationship has nothing to do with miles. A partner who demands constant location sharing, your passwords or proof of where you are is showing controlling behavior, and distance does not excuse it. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788) can help you think it through.

Other couples find the distance has become a way to avoid a harder question, such as whether either of you will ever move. If that sounds familiar, take the should I stay quiz and talk about the end date this week. For help with the conversation itself, our guide on how to communicate in a relationship covers raising a hard topic without starting a fight.

To start your long distance relationship plan tonight, send your partner one message proposing a time to agree on the end date and book the next visit.