Free toolToxic relationship quiz
Is My Relationship Toxic? Take the Quiz
Eighteen questions on respect, control, conflict and safety.
The Love Answers toxic relationship quiz asks how often 18 behaviors happen in your relationship, from eye-rolling and the silent treatment to checking your phone and physical threats. Your answers add up to one of three results: normal friction, unhealthy patterns that are showing, or a relationship that looks toxic. It is for anyone asking ‘is my relationship toxic’ or wondering whether they are overreacting.
Five questions ask about control, threats and physical harm, and they work differently from the rest. Answering ‘Sometimes’ or ‘Often’ to any one of them skips the score and shows a safety result with help lines. If you need to talk to someone now, the National Domestic Violence Hotline is at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788), and 911 is for emergencies.
How the Toxic Relationship Quiz Is Scored
Each answer has a value: “Never” scores 0, “Sometimes” scores 1 and “Often” scores 2. With 18 questions, the highest possible score is 36. You need to answer at least 15 questions to get a result.
| Score | Result you see | What it describes |
|---|---|---|
| 0 to 6 | Mostly healthy, with normal friction | Conflict without control or contempt |
| 7 to 14 | Some unhealthy patterns are showing | Contempt, stonewalling, scorekeeping or isolation wearing things down |
| 15 to 36 | This relationship looks toxic | A relationship costing you confidence, friends and peace |
The last five questions are safety questions. They ask whether your partner:
- checks your phone, reads your messages or demands your passwords
- controls the money, or makes you ask permission to spend
- tracks where you are or limits where you can go
- has threatened you, your pets, themselves or your children to get their way
- has pushed, grabbed, hit, choked or physically intimidated you
A single “Sometimes” on any of those five replaces the score with a safety result. We built it that way because adding those answers into a total would let them sit next to eye-rolling as one more point. A practical side effect: any banded result comes from the other 13 questions, so its real ceiling is 26.
What the Toxic Relationship Quiz Looks For
The other 13 questions track patterns that wear a relationship down. Three come from the research of the Gottman Institute, whose “Four Horsemen” of relationship trouble are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
- Contempt: mocking, belittling or eye-rolling. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce.
- Stonewalling: shutting down for hours or days after a disagreement.
- Defensiveness: rare apologies, or apologies that end in “but you made me”.
- Isolation: anger when you see friends or family, and seeing them less than you used to.
- Distorted memory: being told you are too sensitive, or that things you remember did not happen.
- Hot and cold affection: warmth that comes and goes, so you work to earn the good times back.
That last pattern matters for anyone who finds it hard to leave. Researchers Donald Dutton and Susan Painter proposed that strong emotional bonds form in abusive relationships through a power imbalance and intermittent good and bad treatment. They called it traumatic bonding. It is a research concept. It is not a clinical diagnosis.
What Your Result Means and Does Not Mean
“Toxic” is an everyday word with no clinical definition. The quiz counts how often behaviors happen, so it cannot diagnose you or your partner, and it cannot say which of you started a pattern. It also only hears your side.
Trust question 1 even when your total is low. If you answered “Often” to walking on eggshells, that fear is information a low total can hide. Read the signs of a toxic relationship and see which ones match.
A middle score is the result with the most room to move. Contempt and stonewalling can change when both people own them. If you are the only one trying, a counselor of your own can help you decide what to do next.
What to Do After the Quiz
Your next step depends on which result you got.
- Safety result: call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you are young or dating, love is respect is at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522. Call 911 in an emergency. If your partner checks your phone, clear this page from your browser history.
- Looks toxic: talk to someone you trust outside the relationship, and consider a counselor of your own before any joint sessions. Why it is so hard to leave a trauma bond explains the pull you may feel.
- Some unhealthy patterns: pick the one pattern you see most and try its Gottman antidote. The antidote to criticism is a gentle start-up, contempt’s is a culture of appreciation and respect, defensiveness’s is taking responsibility, and stonewalling’s is physiological self-soothing. Online couples therapy compares ways to get help together.
- Mostly healthy: compare what you have with the list of red flags and green flags, so you can spot a change early.
Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening. An advocate can help you plan safely first. If you are thinking about suicide, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
If your result was mixed and you are weighing whether to stay, the should I stay quiz asks about respect, effort and shared goals. Early warning signs are also covered in love bombing. Choose the guide that matches your result and read it today.
Frequently asked questions
How do I know if my relationship is toxic?
A relationship looks toxic when contempt, control or fear show up often and do not get repaired. Every couple argues, so the toxic relationship quiz asks how often each behavior happens. A score of 15 or more out of 36 lands in the ‘looks toxic’ band, and any control or violence answer brings up the safety result instead.
Why did I get a safety result with a low score?
One answer of ‘Sometimes’ or ‘Often’ to a question about phone checking, money control, tracking, threats or physical harm triggers the safety result, whatever your total. Those behaviors are signs of abuse rather than ordinary conflict. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can talk through what you are seeing, confidentially.
Can a toxic relationship be fixed?
Some unhealthy patterns, like contempt, stonewalling or scorekeeping, can change when both partners own them, often with a couples therapist. Abuse is different. Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening, and a domestic violence advocate is the better first call.
Is it toxic or am I the problem?
The quiz describes behaviors, so it cannot say who is ‘the toxic one’. If you recognize yourself in some questions, that is useful information, and a counselor of your own can help you change those habits. Being told you are ‘too sensitive’ or that things you remember did not happen is itself one of the patterns the quiz asks about.
Is a trauma bond a diagnosis?
No. ‘Traumatic bonding’ is a concept researchers Donald Dutton and Susan Painter proposed to explain strong attachment in abusive relationships. It is not a clinical diagnosis. Our trauma bond guide explains the idea and how people break one.
Sources
Love Answers publishes general information about relationships. It is not therapy, medical, legal or psychological advice and does not replace a licensed professional who knows your situation. Some links may be affiliate links; that never changes what we recommend.
If you feel unsafe with a partner, call 911 in an emergency, or reach the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 (text START to 88788). For thoughts of suicide or a mental health crisis, call or text 988.