Red flags in a relationship are behaviors that predict harm, such as control, contempt, lying, ignoring your no, and anything that makes you afraid. At Love Answers, we read the research behind relationship advice, and we sort red flags by how serious they are because one sign is rarely proof on its own. A partner who forgets to text back and a partner who reads your messages are not in the same category.
We use three tiers. Safety red flags call for a plan and outside help. Respect red flags call for a direct conversation and a close look at the response. Fit red flags are differences in values or goals that may or may not be workable.
If any safety sign below fits, you can talk to an advocate at the National Domestic Violence Hotline by calling 1-800-799-7233 or texting START to 88788, free and confidential at any hour. Teens and young adults can also contact love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.
Three Tiers of Red Flags in a Relationship
Red flags in a relationship fall into three tiers: safety, respect and fit. The tier tells you what to do next, which matters more than the length of any list.
Safety Red Flags
Safety red flags are signs of control or danger, and they call for outside help before a conversation with your partner.
- Threats to hurt you, your pets, themselves or your belongings.
- Pushing, grabbing, blocking a doorway or breaking things during a fight.
- Checking your phone, tracking your location or demanding your passwords.
- Controlling your money, your car or who you see.
- Pressure or guilt about sex after you said no.
- Threats to share private photos or secrets.
- You feel afraid of how they will react.
Couples counseling is usually not recommended while these behaviors are happening, because what you say in a session can make things more dangerous at home. Call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, to make a safety plan with an advocate. If you are in immediate danger, call 911.
Respect Red Flags
Respect red flags are patterns of disrespect that are not yet about control, and they call for a direct conversation.
- Contempt. Mocking, eye-rolling or name-calling. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce.
- Lying about small things. Small lies about where they were or what they spent make bigger ones easier.
- Ignoring your no. They push past small limits, like staying out late after you asked them not to.
- Never apologizing. Every fight ends with you saying sorry, or with silence.
- Mean jokes at your expense in front of other people.
- Shrinking your wins. Good news gets a put-down or a change of subject.
- Stonewalling. They shut down or disappear for days instead of talking.
Fit Red Flags
Fit red flags are mismatches in values, goals or habits that may be workable. Examples include different views on having children, a gap in how you handle money, one of you wanting to move across the country, or very different needs for time together. The Gottmans report that about 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems like these, which healthy couples manage through ongoing dialogue rather than solve. A fit red flag becomes serious only when one of you refuses to discuss it.
Green Flags in a Relationship
Green flags are the behaviors that show a partner is safe and respectful, and they are easiest to see during conflict or stress. Look for these:
- They accept a no without sulking or punishing you.
- They apologize for something specific, without “but.”
- They are glad when you see friends and family.
- They keep small promises, like calling when they said they would.
- They raise problems gently, about one situation at a time.
- They respond when you reach for connection, even with a small “look at this.”
- They take breaks in heated fights and come back to finish the talk.
- They share their own phone and plans openly without being asked.
The response to small reaches for attention is one of the better-tested green flags. In Gottman’s six-year follow-up of newlyweds, couples who stayed married had turned toward each other’s bids for connection about 86% of the time in the lab. Couples who later divorced had done so about 33% of the time.
| Red flag | Matching green flag |
|---|---|
| Sulks or punishes you after a no | Accepts a no and asks what you need |
| Blames you for every fight | Names their own part first |
| Checks your phone | Trusts you and talks about worries directly |
| Mocks you in front of friends | Speaks well of you when you are not there |
| Vanishes for days after a fight | Takes a break and comes back to repair |
Red Flags in Yourself
Red flags in yourself are worth checking with the same list, because many harmful habits get learned and repeated without anyone choosing them. The Gottman Institute names four conflict habits, the Four Horsemen, that predict trouble whoever uses them: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Each has a Gottman antidote. Criticism gives way to a gentle start-up, contempt to a culture of appreciation and respect, defensiveness to taking responsibility, and stonewalling to calming yourself before you continue. If you notice a horseman in your own habits, our guide on how to communicate in a relationship has scripts for each antidote.
What to Do When You Spot a Red Flag
What you do next depends on the tier, and for respect and fit flags the partner’s response to a calm conversation tells you more than the behavior did.
- Check the tier. If it is a safety flag, skip the talk and call an advocate first.
- Pick a calm moment. Raise it when neither of you is tired, drunk or mid-argument.
- Name one behavior. Try: “When you joked about my job in front of your friends on Saturday, I felt embarrassed. I need you to stop doing that.”
- Watch the response over two weeks. A partner worth staying with listens, apologizes and changes the behavior. Defensiveness, mockery or a repeat in the same week is information too.
- Decide with a clear head. The should I stay quiz weighs effort, respect, safety and future goals.
If several respect flags show up together and keep repeating, read our guide to signs of a toxic relationship. If they came wrapped in intense early attention, our guide to love bombing explains that pattern.
Red Flags Around Cheating and Privacy
Cheating red flags and control red flags can look alike, but they call for different next steps. Sudden secrecy, a new password, unexplained absences and a partner who turns defensive about their phone can point to cheating. Our cheating and trust guides explain how to read those signs without jumping to conclusions.
Cheating is a betrayal, and on its own it is not abuse. It moves into abuse when it comes with threats, blame for your questions or monitoring of your phone while theirs stays hidden.
Spying on a partner in return is a red flag in itself, and it can carry legal risk. The federal Wiretap Act makes it a crime to intentionally intercept someone’s communications, which can include recording calls you are not part of. Couples also draw the cheating line in different places, so agree on yours using our guide to what counts as cheating.
Red Flags Are Not Gender-Specific
Every red flag in the three tiers can come from a partner of any gender, and in same-sex relationships too. Searches often split the question by gender, so our guide to red flags in men covers how these behaviors tend to show up when dating men. The safety tier and the help lines are the same for everyone.
Who the Red Flag Tiers Do Not Fit
The three tiers assume you are judging a partner’s patterns over weeks or months. It fits poorly if your partner is going through a crisis such as grief, a new baby or a job loss. Stress can bring out irritability that fades when the crisis does. In that case, a weekly check-in and some patience usually help more than a red-flag count.
Our view would change if a respect flag turns into a safety flag, such as a fight that ends with a broken object or a threat. Move to the safety steps at that point, even if everything before it seemed workable.
Take the free toxic relationship quiz tonight to sort the red flags in your relationship by tier and decide on one next step.