Red Flags in Men to Watch for When Dating

Red Flags in Men on the First Few Dates

The red flags in men that show up on early dates are usually small tests of how he handles your limits, other people and minor frustration. Watch for several of these together rather than reacting to one.

• He is rude to servers or staff. How he treats someone who cannot push back shows how he may treat you once the effort fades.
• He pushes past small no’s. You said one drink, and he orders a second for you anyway.
• He gets angry fast at small things. Traffic, a slow kitchen or a wrong order sets off yelling or a sulk that lasts the whole evening.
• He talks over you or turns every topic back to himself. After two hours, he knows almost nothing about you.
• He plans your future on date two. Talk of moving in or meeting his parents next week, before you know each other.
• He wants your address or location early. Asking where you live, or to share locations, before you have offered.
• He keeps testing your boundaries with “jokes.” Comments about your body or your past that he calls teasing when you object.

Fast plans and big promises in the first weeks can be love bombing, which our guide to love bombing breaks down. The useful test is the same one: set a small limit and watch how he reacts.

Red Flags Around Sex and Consent

Any pressure after you say no to sex or physical contact is a serious red flag, whether it comes as guilt, sulking, repeated asking or anger. A no needs no reason, and a partner who respects you accepts it the first time.

Related warning signs include pushing you to drink more than you want, refusing to use protection after you ask, sending explicit photos you did not ask for, and asking for intimate photos early. Treat any of these as a reason to slow down or stop seeing him. If something happened that you did not agree to, an advocate at the Hotline can talk through your options, and the RAINN website lists support for survivors of sexual violence.

How He Talks About Women and His Exes

The way a man talks about women and past partners often previews how he will talk about you. Watch for these patterns:

• Every ex is “crazy,” and he was the victim in each breakup.
• He makes jokes that treat women as stupid, shallow or objects, and gets annoyed when you do not laugh.
• He sorts women into “good” and “bad” based on their sexual history.
• He expresses contempt for his mother, sisters or female coworkers as a group.

Contempt is the sign to weigh most heavily here. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce, and contempt aimed at women as a group is hard to keep away from the woman he is dating.

A painful breakup story on its own is not a red flag. Listen for whether he can name anything he did wrong, since a person who sees no part for himself in any ending tends to repeat the same patterns.

Jealousy That Turns Into Control

Jealousy becomes a red flag in men, or in anyone, when it turns into rules about where you go, who you talk to and what you wear. Checking your phone, demanding passwords, tracking your location and getting angry when you see friends are all forms of control.

These behaviors belong in the safety tier, and they tend to escalate once a relationship is more committed. Couples counseling is usually not recommended while control or abuse is happening, because what you say in a session can make things more dangerous at home.

If any of this fits, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788, to plan your next step with an advocate. If you are a teen, or he is much older than you, love is respect (1-866-331-9474, or text LOVEIS to 22522) works with young people on exactly these situations. In an emergency, call 911.

Red Flags in Men Around Money

Money red flags in men usually show up as pressure, debt or leverage, and they often appear before any big commitment.

• He asks to borrow money early, sometimes with a sad story and urgency.
• He pays for dates and then acts as if you owe him affection or sex.
• He wants control of shared spending, or criticizes every purchase you make.
• His stories about his job or finances change from week to week.

Paying for dinner is a choice, and it creates no debt. If someone you have not met in person asks for money or gift cards, stop and treat it as a likely romance scam.

What Past Cheating Does and Does Not Predict

A man who cheated in a past relationship has higher odds of cheating again than someone who never did. Even so, in the best-known study most people who cheated once did not cheat in their next relationship. In a 2017 study in Archives of Sexual Behavior, Knopp and colleagues followed 484 unmarried adults in the United States aged 18 to 35. People who reported sex outside a first relationship had about three times the odds of doing so in their next one (odds ratio 3.35). In that next relationship, 45% of prior cheaters reported it again, compared with 18% of everyone else.

The study included both women and men, so the finding describes past behavior in anyone. Cheating on its own is a betrayal of an agreement, and it is different from abuse. How he talks about it is worth hearing too. A man who takes responsibility and can explain what changed is easier to trust than one who blames his ex. Our guide to once a cheater, always a cheater covers the research in full, and the cheating and trust guides cover signs and recovery.

Online Red Flags That Usually Are Not

Many “red flags in men” lists online flag harmless preferences, which can push you to drop a kind partner for no reason. These are usually not red flags on their own:

Called a red flag online	Why it is usually fine	When it becomes a concern
He goes to therapy	He is working on himself	He uses therapy words to blame you
He cries	He can feel and show emotion	Tears appear mainly to end arguments
He is close to his mom	Family ties are common and healthy	His mother makes decisions for your relationship
He plays video games	It is a hobby like any other	Gaming replaces work, sleep or time you agreed on
He has female friends	Friendships across genders are normal	He hides them or lies about contact
He is a short texter	Some people dislike texting	He is warm by text and cold in person, or the reverse

Watch the right-hand column. A preference becomes a red flag when it comes with hiding, lying or ignoring an agreement you made together.

Green Flags When Dating Men

Green flags are the behaviors that show a man is safe and respectful, and they show up most clearly when things go wrong. Look for a man who:

• Accepts your no the first time, with no sulking.
• Asks follow-up questions and remembers your answers.
• Apologizes for something specific without adding “but.”
• Is glad when you see your friends.
• Shows up when he said he would, or lets you know when he cannot.
• Talks about his exes without contempt.
• Lets you set the pace on physical intimacy.

What to Do If You Notice a Red Flag

What you do next depends on how serious the sign is. For a safety sign, such as a threat, monitoring or pressure after a no, skip the conversation and talk to an advocate first. For a respect sign, name the behavior once, calmly, and watch what he does over the next two weeks.

A script can help: “When you made that joke about my weight at dinner, I felt embarrassed. Please don’t do that again.” A man worth your time listens and stops. Defensiveness, mockery or a repeat in the same week is a reason to step back.

Red-flag advice fits poorly if he is going through a crisis such as a death in the family, where stress can look like irritability for a while. Our view would also change if a man who showed one respect flag owns it and changes for good. That suggests a bad habit rather than a pattern. The free toxic relationship quiz can help you sort what you are seeing.

Before your next date, pick the two red flags in men from this list that matter most to you, and decide now what you will do if you see them.