One comparison to another girl proves little, but in our reading a repeated pattern works like criticism, and you can ask him to stop. At Love Answers, we read the conflict research from the Gottman Institute and the emotional-abuse guidance from the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Then we turn them into words you can say out loud. If your boyfriend compares you to other girls or to his ex, start with one specific request and see whether the comparisons stop.
The findings we cite come from the Gottman Institute’s articles on the Four Horsemen and the softened start-up and from the Hotline’s pages on emotional abuse and gaslighting. None of those sources studies comparisons to other women directly. If the comparisons come with put-downs, control or fear, call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
What a Comparison Can Mean and What to Say
A single comparison to another girl does not prove anything about your boyfriend or your relationship. A repeated pattern is different. In our reading, being measured against other women again and again works like the criticism the Gottman Institute describes, though no study we cite examines comparisons to other women.
Our suggested step is to raise one specific comparison in what the Gottman Institute calls a softened start-up. That means describing your feelings about a specific situation and stating a positive need, without blame. Then ask him to stop and watch whether he does.
Our suggestion for a first sentence:
“When you said your ex was more fun at parties, I felt hurt. I’d like you to stop comparing me to other women.”
After you ask, watch what he does the next few times a comparison could come up:
- He stops, or catches himself and says sorry.
- He keeps comparing, as if you never asked.
- He answers with “You’re too sensitive” or “You’re imagining things.”
- The comparisons start coming with names, put-downs or threats.
If he stops, the request worked, and you can let the one comment go. If he keeps going or brushes you off, repeat the request once using the five steps for asking him to stop. If the comparisons come with name-calling, control or anything that makes you afraid, skip the script and call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
A Comparison Can Work Like Criticism
A repeated comparison can work like criticism, one of four behaviors the Gottman Institute says predict relationship trouble. The four are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, and the Gottman Institute calls them the Four Horsemen. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce.
Treating a comparison as criticism is our reading. No study we cite examines being compared to other women, so take the link as our way of thinking about the pattern. It is not a research finding.
Our reasoning starts with the Gottman antidote to criticism. A softened start-up names a feeling and a need. A comparison names another woman and leaves you to guess what he wants from you.
In our reading, that missing need makes a comparison sound like a verdict on you. The Gottman Institute pairs each of the Four Horsemen with an antidote:
- Criticism: a gentle start-up.
- Contempt: building a culture of appreciation and respect.
- Defensiveness: taking responsibility.
- Stonewalling: physiological self-soothing.
In our reading, the first two apply most to comparisons. A gentle start-up works in both directions. If he has a complaint behind the comparison, such as wanting more date nights, he can say that need without bringing another woman into it.
If the comparisons feel scornful, our contempt guide covers that horseman and its antidote in more detail.
When Your Boyfriend Compares You to His Ex or Other Girls
Comparisons to an ex, to other women and to his family all measure you against someone else, and no source we cite studies any of the three separately. The table below gives our reading of each and a sentence you could say. Every sample sentence is our suggestion.
| Type of comparison | What it can mean | What to say (our suggestion) |
|---|---|---|
| His ex | One mention proves little. If it repeats, it works like criticism in our reading. | “When you compare me to your ex, I feel like I’m competing with her. Please stop.” |
| Other girls, friends, coworkers or celebrities | The same reading applies. Insults or humiliation alongside it are behaviors the Hotline lists under emotional abuse. | “When you said she looks better in jeans, I felt small. I’d like you to keep those comparisons to yourself.” |
| His mom, sister or other family | The same reading applies. If he has a complaint, he can name it directly. | “When you said your mom does it better, I felt criticized. If you want something different, tell me what.” |
| A comparison meant as praise | It still puts another woman in the sentence. | “I know you meant it kindly. I’d still rather not be compared to anyone.” |
A comparison meant as praise, like “You’re so much calmer than my ex,” keeps the other woman in the conversation. You can ask him to drop it even when the words are kind. A kind intent and your request can both stand.
None of these rows explains why he compares. No source we cite answers that, and we will not guess at his motives.
If you want to know his reasons, ask him after he has heard your request. Our suggestion: “What were you hoping I’d hear when you said that?”
How to Ask Your Boyfriend to Stop Comparing You
To ask your boyfriend to stop comparing you, name one recent comparison, say how it felt and state what you want instead. These five steps follow the Gottman Institute’s softened start-up, and the wording in each step is our suggestion.
- Pick a calm time. Choose a moment when neither of you is rushed or already arguing.
- Name one instance. “Last night at dinner, you said…” One example keeps the talk on a specific situation, which is how the Gottman Institute describes a softened start-up.
- Say how you felt. “I felt hurt” or “I felt like I was being graded.”
- State the positive need. “I’d like you to stop comparing me to other women. If something bothers you, tell me what it is.”
- Stop and listen. Let him answer before you add a second example.
Put together, the script can sound like this:
“Can I bring something up? Last night you said your ex never minded your late shifts. I felt like I was being graded against her. I’d like you to stop comparing me to her, and if my reaction to your shifts bothers you, tell me what you need.”
If he agrees and slips once, a short reminder in the moment is enough: “That’s a comparison.” If he wants to stop and keeps sliding back, our online couples therapy guide is a place to begin. Take that route only when there are no put-downs, threats or control in the relationship.
If He Laughs It Off or Calls You Too Sensitive
If he answers “You’re too sensitive,” the Hotline’s page on gaslighting lists that exact phrase as an example of trivializing. Trivializing is one of five gaslighting techniques on that page, along with blocking or diverting (“You’re imagining things”) and withholding (“I don’t want to hear this again”). One phrase does not make a pattern, and we would never tell you to label your boyfriend from a single answer.
The Hotline says gaslighting usually happens gradually, with early actions that may seem harmless. So note the phrase, keep your request and watch whether the brush-offs repeat.
Skip the argument about what he meant. Whatever he meant, your request stays the same, so repeat it once: “Whatever you meant, I’m asking you to stop.” For more ways to raise a hard topic, see our communication guide.
When It Is More Than Comparing
Comparisons that come with put-downs, control or punishment are a safety question, and a better script will not fix them. The Hotline’s page on emotional abuse lists red flags that include a partner who:
- Calls you names or puts you down.
- Tries to control your time and actions, or what you wear.
- Is jealous of time you spend with friends or family.
- Punishes you by withholding attention or affection.
- Threatens to break up to manipulate an argument.
- Threatens to hurt you or others.
- Blames you for his abusive behavior.
The Hotline says emotional abuse can, over time, wear down a person’s self-worth and confidence. It also says emotional abuse escalating to physical violence is not uncommon, slowly in some relationships and rapidly in others.
The Hotline’s gaslighting page lists signs of being gaslit, attributed to psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D. They include constantly second-guessing yourself, asking “Am I too sensitive?” many times a day and wondering if you are a “good enough” partner. If being compared has you asking those questions, treat that as a reason to talk to an advocate.
Abuse is not a communication problem for the two of you to solve together. Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening.
You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. It is free, confidential and open 24/7. You can also reach love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.
If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988, and call 911 in an emergency. Our toxic relationship guide and red flags in men guide describe other warning signs.
If You Are the One Comparing Yourself to His Ex
If you are the one comparing yourself to his ex, the worry starts with you, and no source we cite studies why people do this. The worry is still worth saying out loud. Our suggestion is to say it to him once, in a softened start-up:
“Sometimes I compare myself to your ex and feel like I don’t measure up. It would help to hear what you like about us.”
After that conversation, notice what makes the worry smaller and what makes it bigger, such as looking through her photos online. Skip checking his phone or reading his messages for reassurance.
If the same worry shows up in relationship after relationship, our anxious attachment guide describes that pattern. One worry about one ex does not tell you your attachment style.
Who This Is Not For and What Would Change This Answer
One comparison to another woman does not prove anything. In our reading, a pattern of being measured against other women works like the criticism the Gottman Institute describes, and the Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce. The supported step is to name one specific comparison in a softened start-up, ask him to stop and watch whether he does.
This applies to a boyfriend who is otherwise respectful. The evidence basis is reported findings from the Gottman Institute and the Hotline, plus our own suggested wording, which is not research. No study we cite looks at comparisons to other women or to an ex.
This advice is not for you if the comparisons come with name-calling, threats or control over your time or clothes, or if you feel afraid of him. In that case, skip the script and call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
Our answer changes if he keeps comparing after a clear request, or if the comparisons shift into put-downs or punishment. It changes in his favor if he stops after one request and catches himself when he slips. A study on comparisons to other women would also change our reading.
The next time your boyfriend compares you to other girls, write down what he said that day and turn it into one softened start-up sentence you can say the next calm evening.