The four horsemen in a relationship are criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute links these four conflict habits to relationship trouble. At Love Answers, we read the Gottman research and turn it into lines you can say during an argument.
The Gottman Institute pairs each horseman with an antidote. Use a gentle start-up for criticism and appreciation and respect for contempt. Take responsibility in place of defensiveness, and use physiological self-soothing in place of stonewalling.
When you hear a horseman in your own fight, name the behavior out loud and switch to its antidote. One harsh moment tells you to change course. It does not settle anything about your partner.
The Four Horsemen and Their Antidotes
The Gottman Institute names four conflict habits that predict relationship trouble, and it gives each one an antidote to use in its place. Each horseman can sound like an ordinary argument, and each antidote sounds different.
| Horseman | What it can sound like | Antidote | What the antidote can sound like |
|---|---|---|---|
| Criticism | “You never think about anyone but yourself.” | Gentle start-up | “I felt left out when the weekend got planned without me. Can we decide together next time?” |
| Contempt | “Oh good, another genius plan from you.” | A culture of appreciation and respect | “Thanks for dealing with the car today. I noticed.” |
| Defensiveness | “That’s not my fault. You didn’t remind me.” | Taking responsibility | “You’re right, I forgot. I’ll set a reminder.” |
| Stonewalling | Silence, a blank stare, or walking out with no word | Physiological self-soothing | “I’m overwhelmed. I need 20 minutes, and then I’ll come back.” |
The method is the same for all four:
- Spot it. Listen for a line like the ones in the second column, from you or from your partner.
- Name the behavior. “That came out as criticism. Let me try again.” Describe what was said, and leave out labels about the person.
- Swap in the antidote. Say a line like the ones in the last column, then return to the topic you were discussing.
Start with your own lines, because what you say next is the part you control.
Criticism and the Gentle Start-Up
Criticism is the first horseman on the Gottman list, and its antidote is a gentle start-up, also called a softened start-up. A gentle start-up raises the same issue in a different way. You describe how you feel about one specific situation and state a positive need, without blame.
Build a gentle start-up from three parts:
- The situation: “When the dishes sat in the sink overnight…”
- Your feeling: ”…I felt worn out…”
- The positive need: ”…Could you take dinner cleanup on weeknights?”
Leave out “you always” and “you never.”
Criticism Compared with a Complaint
A complaint and a criticism can start from the same problem, and they differ in where the words point. A complaint built as a gentle start-up stays on the situation. A criticism moves to your partner.
| Complaint (gentle start-up) | Criticism | |
|---|---|---|
| Focus | One specific situation | Your partner as a person |
| Feeling | Named as your own: “I felt…” | Left out and replaced by blame |
| Request | A positive need: “Could you…” | No request, or “You need to stop being so…” |
| Example | “I felt embarrassed when you were late to dinner with my parents. Can we leave earlier next time?” | “You’re so selfish. You’re late to everything.” |
If you notice a criticism halfway out of your mouth, stop and restart with “I felt…” The restart counts. You do not have to get the first sentence right.
Contempt and a Culture of Appreciation
Contempt is the horseman to watch most closely, because according to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. Its antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect in the relationship.
Our contempt guide goes deeper on what it looks like and how to respond. When contempt has built up for years and one partner goes quiet, see what walkaway wife syndrome describes.
To build a culture of appreciation and respect, try these:
- Thank your partner for one specific thing each day: “Thanks for picking up my prescription.”
- When you feel a cutting remark coming, say the request underneath it instead.
- Respond when your partner reaches for your attention, even with “huh, tell me more.”
That last move connects to Gottman research on bids for connection, which are a partner’s small reaches for attention or a response. Gottman followed newlyweds for six years. By Gottman’s own description, couples who stayed married had turned toward their partner’s bids about 86% of the time in the lab.
Couples who later divorced had turned toward bids about 33% of the time. Those figures show a link Gottman found. They do not prove that answering bids prevents divorce.
Defensiveness and Taking Responsibility
Defensiveness is the third horseman, and the Gottman Institute’s antidote is taking responsibility.
Defensiveness can sound like an excuse or a counterattack:
“I didn’t forget. You never told me the date.” “Well, you left the gas tank empty last week.”
Taking responsibility can be one sentence:
“You’re right, I forgot to call. I’m sorry. I’ll put it in my phone.”
You can take responsibility for your piece without agreeing with everything your partner said. Own the part that is yours, then raise the rest: “I did forget. Can we also talk about how we share the calendar?”
Stonewalling and Self-Soothing
Stonewalling is the fourth horseman. Its antidote is physiological self-soothing, which means calming your body before you try to talk again. Stonewalling can look like going silent, staring at a phone, or leaving the room without saying when you will return.
The fix is a break said out loud, with a return time. The stonewalling guide has break scripts and steps for the person who shuts down and for the person left in the room.
A Mid-Fight Plan for the Four Horsemen
One way to use the four horsemen during a fight is to pause, name the one you just heard, and redo the sentence with its antidote. You can do this without ending the argument.
- Pause after the line. Take one slow breath before you answer a sharp remark.
- Name your own horseman first. “That was defensive. Let me start over.”
- Redo the sentence. Use the antidote line from the table.
- Ask your partner for a redo, gently. “That felt like criticism to me. Can you tell me what you need instead?”
- Call a break if your body is racing. Use the flooding steps below.
Agree on this plan on a calm evening, before the next fight. Then a redo request mid-argument is a step you both chose.
The 5:1 Ratio During Conflict
In Gottman research, stable couples kept roughly five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during conflict. Outside of conflict, the Gottman Institute cites a much higher everyday ratio, about 20 to 1.
The 5:1 figure describes how stable couples fought, measured during conflict. It is not a daily target or a score to keep on your partner.
A positive moment can be small, such as a nod, a laugh, or “that’s fair.”
Flooding and Breaks
Flooding is the Gottman Institute’s term for physiological overwhelm during conflict. In its article on flooding, the Gottman Institute says flooding is often marked by a heart rate above about 100 beats per minute (bpm). Treat that number as approximate Gottman guidance. It is not a medical cutoff.
The Gottman Institute recommends a break of at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours before you return to the topic. A break that works has three parts:
- Say you need a break and when you will be back.
- Spend the time calming your body with a walk or slow breathing, and skip rehearsing your next point.
- Come back at the time you named, even if all you say is “I’m ready to try again.”
Raising the Four Horsemen with a Partner
Bring up the four horsemen on a calm day, and talk about your own habits before your partner’s.
Try an opener built like a gentle start-up:
“I read about four habits that make fights worse. I think I get defensive a lot. Would you be willing to try the antidotes with me?”
Pick one horseman to work on together for a few weeks, and ask each other how it is going. The relationship check-in questions give you a regular time for that talk. The communication guide has more scripts for raising hard topics.
One defensive reply on a bad day is a single moment, not a pattern. Watch for the same horseman repeating across many arguments.
What the Research Shows and Does Not Show
Gottman research links the four horsemen to relationship trouble, and that link is a correlation. The horsemen are linked to trouble, and the research does not show that they cause it. Gottman studies reported high accuracy in predicting outcomes in hindsight. Critics note the models were not tested on new couples.
Use the list as a set of warning signs for your own arguments. It cannot tell you whether your relationship will last. It describes behaviors, so it cannot tell you what kind of person your partner is either.
Insults, Threats and Fear Used to Control
If a partner uses insults, humiliation, threats or fear to control you, the antidotes on this page do not apply. Control and fear are a safety issue, and better communication skills will not fix them. Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening.
The toxic relationship guide describes other warning signs. The toxic relationship quiz can help you sort through what you are seeing.
You can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. It is free, confidential and open 24/7. You can also reach love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522. If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988, and call 911 in an emergency.
When to See a Couples Therapist
Book a couples therapist when the same horseman keeps coming back across many fights. Book one too if your breaks rarely end with a return, or if contempt has become a regular part of how you talk. Bring the antidote table from this page to the first session so you start from a shared list.
If you are unsure which kind of help fits, compare the options in couples therapy vs individual therapy. If scheduling is the barrier, look at online couples therapy. For bigger decisions about whether to keep going, the how to save a relationship guide lays out the steps.
Before your next argument, pick the one of the four horsemen you use most in your relationship and practice its antidote line out loud until it comes easily.