To save a relationship, both partners have to want to try, the relationship has to be safe, and you have to change the daily habits that wore it down, starting with how you fight. At Love Answers, we read the couples research, much of it from the Gottman Institute, and its warning signs are specific enough to act on.
Not every relationship should be saved. Abuse, control, threats and a partner who refuses to change anything are reasons to stop trying, and no amount of effort from one person fixes them. Check first whether yours is worth saving, then work through the steps if it is.
Is Your Relationship Worth Saving?
A relationship is usually worth trying to save if you are both safe, both willing to work on it, and still want roughly the same future. Answer these questions before you put in months of effort.
| Question | If yes | If no |
|---|---|---|
| Do you feel safe with your partner, physically and emotionally? | Keep going | Stop here and read the section on when not to save it |
| Is your partner willing to try, even reluctantly? | Keep going | Have a direct talk about whether they want to stay |
| Do you still want the same big things (children, where to live, commitment)? | Keep going | Talk about whether the difference can be bridged |
| Can you remember liking each other, not only loving each other? | A good sign | Not a dealbreaker, but expect slower progress |
| Has the problem been named out loud by both of you? | Keep going | Name it first, before trying to fix it |
The should I stay quiz asks more questions like these and gives you a score, which can help when your feelings keep changing day to day.
How to Save a Relationship in Six Steps
If the relationship is safe and you both want to try, these six steps are the order we would follow. Each one builds on the one before.
- Name the problem together. Agree on what is wrong in one or two sentences. “We fight about money every week and stopped spending time alone” is a problem you can work on. “Everything is bad” is not.
- Stop the most damaging habits first. Contempt, harsh criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling do the most harm. See the next section.
- Rebuild small positive moments. Respond when your partner reaches for your attention, say thank you out loud, and touch each other in passing.
- Fix how you raise problems. Start complaints gently and keep them to one specific situation.
- Hold a weekly check-in. Give the relationship 20 to 30 minutes a week on a set day.
- Get outside help if you stall. If you are stuck in the same fight after a few weeks of effort, book a couples therapist.
Stop the Four Horsemen First
Gottman’s research found four habits that predict relationship trouble: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Saving a relationship starts with stopping these, because one contemptuous remark can undo a week of kind effort.
The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce. Contempt sounds like mocking, eye-rolling, name-calling or “Wow, you finally did something right.” Its antidote is to build a habit of appreciation: notice something your partner does well every day and say it out loud.
| Habit | Antidote | Try saying |
|---|---|---|
| Criticism | Gentle start-up | “I felt alone at the party when you left me with people I didn’t know.” |
| Contempt | Daily appreciation and respect | “I noticed you fixed the sink. Thank you.” |
| Defensiveness | Take responsibility for your part | “You’re right, I did say that. I’m sorry.” |
| Stonewalling | Calm down, then come back | “I need 20 minutes, then let’s finish this.” |
The Gottman Institute suggests a break of at least 20 minutes, and no more than 24 hours, when either of you is too worked up to listen. Our communication guide has full scripts for each of these.
Rebuild the Small Daily Moments
Many relationships fade through small moments where one partner reached out and the other did not respond. Repair works the same way, one small moment at a time.
The Gottman Institute reports that newlywed couples who stayed married over six years turned toward each other’s bids for connection about 86% of the time, compared with about 33% for couples who later divorced. A bid can be as small as “Look at that bird.” Turning toward it means looking up and answering.
Add one daily ritual you both protect. Examples include coffee together before work, a 10-minute walk after dinner, or a hug when one of you gets home. Our date night ideas help when you are ready for more.
Accept That Some Problems Will Not Be Solved
Many of your fights will never be fully settled, and that does not mean the relationship is failing. The Gottmans report that about 69% of relationship conflicts are perpetual problems rooted in lasting differences in personality or lifestyle.
Think of one partner who needs time alone after work and another who wants to talk the moment they walk in. The goal for problems like these is to talk about them without contempt and find workable compromises. Expecting to win the argument once and for all keeps couples stuck.
Some differences are too big to compromise on. If one of you wants children and the other is certain they do not, no communication skill makes that go away. Those are the cases where a careful look at the should I stay quiz results matters most.
When Not to Save a Relationship
Do not try to save a relationship that involves abuse, threats or control. These are safety problems, and couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening. Signs include:
- Physical violence, or threats of it, toward you, children or pets.
- Controlling your money, phone, friendships or where you go.
- Threats to harm themselves or you if you leave.
- Constant put-downs that leave you doubting your own memory or judgment.
- Making you afraid to raise ordinary problems.
If any of these sound familiar, talk to an advocate before making decisions. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Young people can call love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522. If you or your partner are thinking about self-harm, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911. Our toxic relationship guide describes these patterns in more detail.
It is also reasonable to stop trying when:
- Your partner refuses every form of effort, including talking and therapy, for months.
- Betrayal keeps repeating, with the same apology and no change.
- You have both tried in good faith, with help, and you are still unhappy most of the time.
Leaving after real effort means you made the decision with full information.
Get Help Before You Give Up
Couples therapy gives you a neutral person who can slow down the fights you cannot get past alone. A 2020 meta-analysis by Roddy and colleagues in the Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology found large improvements in relationship satisfaction for couples in therapy. Waitlisted couples did not significantly improve. Our online couples therapy guide compares costs and formats.
What would change our advice: a breach of trust at the center of the problem needs its own repair steps before general repair works. Start with our rebuilding trust guide, or for infidelity, our affair recovery guide.
Take the should I stay quiz tonight. If you feel safe with your partner, share your results and agree on the first step you will try together.