Ask yourself whether you want your marriage to change or to end. At Love Answers, we read the Gottman Institute research on separation and conflict and turn it into plain steps for decisions like this one. One bad month is not an answer, so give your answer time to hold before you act on it.
If you want a structured way to sort your feelings before you read on, take our should I stay quiz.
If you are safe and some willingness is left, try a time-limited, structured effort first. If you have decided, plan one calm conversation and see a family law attorney. If you are afraid of your partner, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 first.
How to Tell Depleted from Done
You are depleted if you still want your marriage to change, and done if you want it to end. On this page, depleted means worn out but still wanting something different inside the marriage. Done means you no longer want the marriage itself.
The signs below are our editorial prompts for thinking it through. They do not come from a study, and no single sign settles the question.
Signs You Are Depleted
- You can still describe one change that would make you want to stay.
- Your anger is about specific things, like chores, money or how the two of you talk.
- You feel some hope when you picture your spouse agreeing to work on it.
Signs You Are Done with This Marriage
- You cannot name any change that would make you want to stay.
- You feel calm or relieved when you picture living apart.
- When your spouse offers to try, you feel nothing, or you feel dread.
One bad month is not an answer. Ask yourself the same question after several calm weeks and several hard ones, and see whether your answer holds.
Safety comes before any decision about the marriage when you are afraid of your partner. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
If You Are Not Safe
If you are afraid of your partner, safety comes before any decision about the marriage. Fear, threats, control or violence change the next step.
The Hotline defines emotional abuse as non-physical behaviors meant to control, isolate or frighten you. Its examples include:
- Threats and intimidation.
- Insults and humiliation.
- Constant monitoring and excessive jealousy.
- Manipulation and dismissiveness.
These behaviors are not a marriage problem for the two of you to work on together. Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening, so the try-first steps below do not apply to you. The toxic relationship guide lists other warning signs.
Call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. It is free, confidential and open 24/7. Read its plan for safety page before you tell your partner anything about leaving.
You can also reach love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522. If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988. In an emergency, call 911.
If You Want to Try Before You Decide
If you are safe and some willingness is left on both sides, a time-limited, structured try is a reasonable step before you decide. Time-limited means you pick an end date. Structured means you agree on goals and bring in a couples therapist.
The Gottman Institute article “Do Trial Separations Work?” by Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, describes one version of this. It says a trial separation is informal, with no lawyers or court, while a legal separation is a formal agreement.
The article makes three points about trial separations:
- Whether one helps “depends on your goals.”
- It works best with a set timetable and goals you both agree on.
- It suggests a cooling-off period of about six months while living apart, ideally with couples therapy.
The same article warns that a separation can backfire. Partners may detach further, repeat old patterns or keep going over the hurt in their heads. It also says, “If you and your partner are not willing to compromise, then the relationship isn’t likely to improve.”
The article frames this approach for couples without extremely high conflict or abuse. It contains no statistics.
You can also run a structured try while you live together. These steps are our editorial suggestion:
- Pick an end date and write it down.
- Agree on two or three changes you both want to see.
- Book a couples therapist for the whole stretch.
- Meet on the end date and say plainly where each of you stands.
If contempt keeps showing up in your fights, take it seriously. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce, and its antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect. The four horsemen guide covers the other three patterns, which are criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling.
For the repair steps themselves, use the how to save a relationship guide. If getting to an office is hard, compare options in the online couples therapy guide.
If You Have Decided
If you have decided, tell your spouse once, calmly and plainly, then see a family law attorney. Say it in words that leave no room to hear “maybe.”
“I’ve thought about this for a long time. I’ve decided I want to end our marriage. I’m not asking you to agree today, and I’ll answer what I can.”
The Gottman Institute’s softened start-up is a good model for the tone. It means describing your feelings about a specific situation and stating what you need, without blame. Leave out the list of everything that went wrong.
If either of you gets overwhelmed, stop talking. The Gottman Institute describes this as flooding, a physiological overwhelm during conflict. Its guidance is a break of at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours before you pick the talk back up.
Hold off on promises in either direction. Lines like “we’ll always be friends” or “maybe someday” can wait until you have legal advice and a clearer head.
Before the talk, write down the questions you want a family law attorney to answer. Start with these:
- Where will each of us live for now?
- How do we handle the children’s schedule, if we have children?
- How do bills and shared accounts get paid in the meantime?
- What should I avoid signing or agreeing to before I get advice?
This page is general US information and is not legal advice. If you are afraid of how your spouse will react, call the Hotline before you have this talk.
If You Are the Spouse Hearing “I’m Done with This Marriage”
If your spouse has just said they are done, listen first and ask for a time to talk again. The steps below are our editorial suggestions, and they do not come from a study.
Couples therapist Michele Weiner-Davis writes in Psychology Today that husbands are often “shell-shocked” when a wife announces she is done. If that matches how you feel, give yourself time before you answer.
- Listen to the whole thing before you respond.
- Do not bargain or make big promises in the first conversation.
- Skip ultimatums and threats.
- Do not check their phone, read their messages or track where they go.
- Ask for a set time to talk again, such as later this week.
- If they agree, bring in a couples therapist.
If your spouse says no to couples therapy, an individual therapist can hear your side. The couples therapy vs individual therapy guide explains how the two differ.
When One Partner Is Done and the Other Is Not
In its discussion of trial separations, the Gottman Institute article says that if partners are not willing to compromise, the relationship isn’t likely to improve. The partner who still wants the marriage cannot make that choice for both people.
Weiner-Davis writes that for many wives who announce they are done, the husband’s sudden willingness to do anything is “too little, too late.” She presents no evidence that any step-by-step remedy reverses the pattern. The walkaway wife syndrome guide covers that pattern in more depth.
An American Sociological Association press release on Michael Rosenfeld’s analysis reports that women initiated 69% of divorces and men 31%. The data came from the 2009 to 2015 waves of the How Couples Meet and Stay Together survey. It followed 2,262 adults aged 19 to 94 who had opposite-sex partners in 2009, and 371 had broken up or divorced by 2015.
For unmarried couples who broke up, the release reports no clear difference between women and men. The survey covered only opposite-sex couples, was presented at a conference, and is not described as peer reviewed. Rosenfeld’s explanation for the gap is his interpretation, and the numbers cannot tell you who will leave your marriage.
If you are the partner still hoping, say what you want plainly and accept that your spouse makes their own decision. If you are the partner growing tired, raise it now with a softened start-up while you still want things to change.
Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Decide
Write your answers down, then read them again after a few calm days.
- Do I want this marriage to change, or do I want it to end?
- If my spouse changed the one thing I most want changed, would I want to stay?
- Have I told my spouse plainly what I need, in words they could not miss?
- Am I afraid of my spouse, or of how they will react?
- Would I feel relief or grief if we lived apart for six months?
- Has my answer held for a long time, or only through one bad stretch?
- Is each of us willing to compromise?
- Would I see a couples therapist for a set number of weeks?
- What do I need to hear from a family law attorney before I decide?
- Who can I talk to about this who will not take sides?
If you answered yes to the question about fear, go back to the safety section and call the Hotline before anything else.
Who This Is Not For and What Would Change This Answer
Who This Is Not For
This page is not for anyone who is afraid of their partner or being controlled. If that describes you, skip the try-first steps, call the Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, and use its plan for safety page. Questions about property, custody or filing need a family law attorney, and if you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 first.
What Would Change This Answer
Two conditions change the advice on this page. If abuse, control or fear is present, safety comes first and couples counseling is usually not recommended. If you and your spouse have both already decided, the try-first section no longer applies, and your next step is a family law attorney.
The Takeaway If You Feel Done with This Marriage
Whether you are done is a question about what you want to change, and one bad month is not an answer. This applies to married readers who feel safe at home and are unsure. If some willingness is left on both sides, a time-limited, structured try with a couples therapist is reasonable.
If you have decided, say it once and plainly, then see a family law attorney. If you are afraid of your partner, call the Hotline first.
The evidence behind this is reported. It comes from the Gottman Institute article on trial separations, one conference-presented survey in the ASA release, and Weiner-Davis’s Psychology Today column. The depleted and done signs and the scripts are our editorial reading. The answer changes if abuse, control or fear is present, or if both of you have already decided.
Tonight, write your answer to one question on paper before you say “I’m done with this marriage” out loud: do you want this marriage to change, or to end?