Empathy in a relationship shows up when you answer your partner’s feeling before you answer their problem. At Love Answers, we read the research on empathy and couples, including a 2014 study of 187 couples by Levesque and colleagues. We turn it into a reply you can use the next time your partner has a hard day.
The three-step reply below is our editorial suggestion. It draws on that study and on Gottman Institute guidance about raising a complaint without blame, and no study we cite tests the sequence itself. If low empathy comes with insults, control, threats or fear, treat it as a safety issue.
How to Show Empathy to Your Partner
You show empathy to your partner by responding to the feeling under their words before you respond to the problem. We suggest a three-step reply built from the research on this page. No study we cite tests the sequence itself, so treat it as our editorial method.
- Hear the feeling under the words. Listen for the emotion, such as embarrassment, worry or hurt, before you think about solutions.
- Say it back in one sentence. Name the feeling and the situation together, so your partner hears that you caught both.
- Ask whether they want help or just company. Let your partner choose between ideas and a listener before you offer a fix.
A Worked Example
The example below is a hypothetical illustration. Your partner comes home and says, “My meeting went badly. My manager cut me off in front of everyone.”
- Step 1. The feeling under those words could be embarrassment, frustration or both.
- Step 2. You say, “That sounds embarrassing, getting cut off in front of the whole team.”
- Step 3. You ask, “Do you want ideas for what to say to your manager, or do you want to vent for a while?”
If your partner wants ideas, offer them now. If they want company, keep listening and hold the advice. Our communication guide has a four-step say-it-back script in its section on listening until your partner feels understood.
If your partner is the one who shows little empathy, the steps change. Name one specific behavior and make one clear request, using the script in the section on a partner who shows little empathy.
A Low-Empathy Reply and a Three-Step Reply Side by Side
The table shows four hypothetical moments answered two ways. The low-empathy replies jump to a fix, argue with the feeling or turn the talk to the speaker.
| What your partner says | Low-empathy reply | Three-step reply |
|---|---|---|
| “My meeting went badly.” | “You should have prepared more.” | “That sounds frustrating. Do you want ideas, or do you want to talk it through?” |
| “I’m worried about my mom’s test results.” | “Worrying won’t change anything.” | “You sound scared for her. Do you want help planning, or should I sit with you?” |
| “I felt left out at your friend’s party.” | “Everyone was nice to you.” | “It sounds like you felt on the outside all night. Do you want to plan for next time, or tell me about it?” |
| “I’m exhausted from this week.” | “Me too. My week was worse.” | “You sound worn out. Do you want me to take something off your list, or do you want a quiet night?” |
What Empathy in a Relationship Is and Is Not
Empathy in a relationship has two parts: picturing how a situation looks to your partner and caring about how they feel. Researchers call the first part perspective-taking, the cognitive side of empathy. The second part is empathic concern, the emotional side.
The 2014 study by Levesque and colleagues measured both parts separately with a 13-item self-report scale.
Empathy does not mean agreeing, and it does not mean fixing. Two limits keep the reply clear:
- Empathy is different from agreement. You can say, “You sound hurt that I forgot the dinner,” and still believe the plan was unclear. Saying the feeling back confirms you heard it without conceding the facts.
- Empathy is different from fixing. Advice can wait until your partner says they want it, which is the reason step 3 asks first.
What the Research Shows
A 2014 study of 187 heterosexual Canadian couples found that people who reported more empathic concern also reported more satisfaction with their own relationship. Levesque, Lafontaine, Caron, Flesch and Bjornson published it in Europe’s Journal of Psychology. Couples in this community sample had been together at least 12 months and living together at least 6 months.
The correlation (r) between empathic concern and a person’s own satisfaction was .44 for men and .47 for women, according to Levesque and colleagues. Perspective-taking was linked more weakly, at .29 for men and .32 for women. In both groups the gap is .15 (.44 minus .29, and .47 minus .32), so the emotional side of empathy showed the stronger link in this sample.
What This Study Cannot Show
The study by Levesque and colleagues has four limits that change how far you can take it:
- Self-report. Partners rated their own empathy and their own satisfaction.
- One point in time. The study was cross-sectional, so empathic concern “was associated with” satisfaction. The design cannot show that empathy causes satisfaction.
- No partner effect. In the authors’ model, neither partner’s empathy predicted the other partner’s satisfaction to a statistically significant degree. This research cannot show that your empathy makes your partner happier.
- One group of couples. The sample was heterosexual Canadian couples, so the findings do not extend to same-sex couples or other countries.
The authors called for longitudinal data and observational methods to test these questions. Until that research exists, we present the three-step reply as an editorial method with one correlational study behind it.
Empathy When You Are Angry or Tired
When you feel flooded during a fight, take a break before you try the three steps. The Gottman Institute describes flooding as physiological overwhelm during conflict. It recommends a break of at least 20 minutes and not more than 24 hours before resuming.
- Call the break out loud. Say you are getting overwhelmed and need to step away.
- Name your return time. Pick a time at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours away.
- Settle your body. Use the break to calm down instead of rehearsing your next point.
- Come back when you said. Open with the three-step reply to what your partner said before the break.
Raising Your Own Complaint
Sometimes the hurt feeling is yours, and Gottman’s softened start-up is the tool for raising it. A softened start-up means describing your feelings about a specific situation and stating a positive need, without blame. Gottman calls it the antidote to criticism, one of the Four Horsemen he describes alongside contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling.
Here is a hypothetical example: “I felt lonely when you were on your phone during dinner. I’d love one phone-free dinner with you this week.” The sentence names a feeling, one situation and one thing you want.
When Your Partner Shows Little Empathy
When your partner shows little empathy, describe the specific behavior and ask for one change. Keep your words about what happened. Leave out labels about who your partner is, and never use a diagnosis.
What a Lack of Empathy in a Relationship Looks Like
A lack of empathy in a relationship is easiest to raise when you describe it as behaviors. These examples are written as observations you could say out loud:
- Changing the subject to their own day when you share something hard.
- Offering a fix before you finish explaining.
- Telling you that you should not feel the way you feel.
- Looking at a phone while you talk about something painful.
- Laughing off a worry you raised.
One of these on one night is a single moment. A pattern that repeats is worth a calm conversation.
A One-Sentence Request
We suggest a request built on the softened start-up: one feeling, one specific situation, one positive need. Here is a hypothetical script: “I felt alone last night when I told you about my meeting and the talk moved to your day, and next time I’d like you to ask me one question about it first.”
Make one request at a time. If your partner tries it, say so the next day.
Turning Toward Bids
You can practice turning toward bids for connection in both directions. In Gottman’s six-year follow-up of newlyweds, couples who stayed married had turned toward each other’s bids for connection about 86% of the time in the lab. Couples who later divorced had done so about 33% of the time, by Gottman’s own description.
Our guide to bids for connection shows what a bid can look like.
When a Couples Therapist Helps
If you have made a clear request more than once, you feel safe, and the same conversation keeps stalling, we suggest a licensed couples therapist. Our online couples therapy guide walks through that option. This applies only when there is no contempt, control, threats or fear.
When It Is Not a Skills Problem
Low empathy that comes with contempt, insults, control, threats or fear is a safety issue, so skip the three steps and call for help. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines emotional abuse as non-physical behaviors meant to control, isolate or frighten. Examples include threats, insults, constant monitoring, excessive jealousy, manipulation, humiliation, intimidation and dismissiveness.
The Hotline’s red flags include calling you names or putting you down, trying to control your time and actions, and punishing you by withholding attention or affection. The Gottman Institute calls contempt the single greatest predictor of divorce, and our guide to contempt describes the behavior. love is respect says healthy relationships depend on healthy communication, healthy boundaries, mutual respect and support for one another, and that “abuse is always a choice.”
Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening. Talk to an advocate instead of trying the three steps:
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. Live chat is also available, and the service is free, confidential and open 24/7.
- love is respect. Call 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522.
- 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. Call or text 988 if you are in crisis.
- Emergency. Call 911.
Who This Is Not For and What Would Change This Answer
We suggest naming the feeling you heard and saying it back before you offer advice. That suggestion applies to a reader who wants to show more empathy and to a reader who feels unheard and wants to ask for it. You do not have to agree with your partner to use it.
The evidence basis is one correlational, self-report study by Levesque and colleagues. In it, empathic concern was associated with a person’s own satisfaction in 187 couples, and partner effects were not significant. The three-step sequence is our labelled editorial method, and no study we cite tests it.
This page is not for a reader whose partner uses contempt, insults, control or threats, or a reader who feels afraid. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 instead. It is also not for a reader in crisis, who should call or text 988.
Our answer changes in these cases:
- Safety signs appear. If the lack of empathy comes with contempt, insults, control, threats or fear, the safety section applies and couples work does not.
- Stronger research arrives. If longitudinal or observational studies replace the one-sample study, we would update the method to match what they find.
The next time your partner shares a hard moment, practice empathy in a relationship by naming one feeling you heard and saying it back before you offer any advice.