A bid for connection is any small attempt to get your partner’s attention, affection or support, such as a comment, a joke, a touch or a question. At Love Answers, we read the relationship research from the Gottman Institute and turn it into plain replies you can use at the kitchen counter.
You can answer a bid in three ways: turn toward it, turn away from it, or turn against it. In the Gottman Institute’s six-year follow-up of newlyweds, couples who stayed married had turned toward bids about 86% of the time in the lab, compared with about 33% for couples who later divorced.
Looking up from your phone and saying one sentence back is a way to start.
What a Bid Looks Like and How to Answer It
A bid is a small reach toward you, like “Look at that bird,” a sigh from the couch, “Can you help me fold these?”, or a meme sent to your phone. Each one asks whether you will notice. Your answer lands in one of three places, which the Gottman Institute calls turning toward, turning away and turning against.
| The bid | Turning toward | Turning away | Turning against |
|---|---|---|---|
| “Look, there’s a cardinal on the fence.” | “Oh, where? That red is so bright.” | Keeps scrolling and says nothing. | “I’m trying to read. Stop pointing at birds.” |
| A long sigh after work | “Rough day? Want to tell me about it?” | Turns up the TV. | “What now? You always sigh.” |
| “Can you help me with the dishes?” | “Sure, I’ll dry.” | Says “Mm-hm” and never gets up. | “Why is it always on me?” |
| A meme sent by text | “Ha, that’s us. Saving this one.” | Leaves it on read for two days. | “Can you stop sending me these?” |
- Turning toward means you notice the bid and respond to it, even briefly.
- Turning away means the bid goes unnoticed or gets ignored.
- Turning against means you answer with irritation, sarcasm or a put-down.
Turning toward does not mean saying yes to every request. “I can’t help right now, but I can in ten minutes” still turns toward the bid, because it tells your partner you heard them and gives a time.
Everyday Examples of Bids for Connection
A bid does not have to sound like a request. A sigh or a “huh, look at this” can carry the same ask as “Can we talk?”
Watch for moments like these:
- Pointing out something outside, on TV or in the news.
- A sigh, a groan, or a quiet “ugh” after a phone call.
- Asking for help with a chore, a form or a decision.
- A text with a meme, a song, a photo or a link.
- A hand on your arm or shoulder as they walk past.
- A question like “How was your day?” or “What do you want for dinner?”
- A joke or a story about something that happened at work.
Why Small Moments Matter
The Gottman Institute reports that in its six-year follow-up of newlyweds, couples who stayed married had turned toward each other’s bids about 86% of the time in the lab, while couples who later divorced had done so about 33% of the time. That finding links turning toward with staying together. It does not prove that answering bids keeps a marriage going.
Even the couples who stayed married missed bids. Turning toward about 86% of the time is not every time. Our guide to empathy in a relationship covers a three-step reply for the moments when your partner is upset.
The Gottman Institute also describes a ratio for how stable couples handle hard moments. During conflict, stable couples in Gottman research kept roughly 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one, and outside conflict the Institute cites a much higher everyday ratio of about 20 to 1. Treat both as findings from Gottman studies and skip using them as a daily score to count.
A 10-Second Reply When You Are Tired or on Your Phone
A tired or busy moment still has room for a 10-second acknowledgement that tells your partner you heard them and when you will come back. You do not have to drop everything to turn toward a bid.
Use this four-step reply:
- Look up. Lift your eyes from the screen or turn your head toward your partner.
- Name what you heard. “That sounds like a rough meeting.”
- Give a time. “Give me five minutes to finish this email, and then I want the whole story.”
- Come back when you said. Put the phone down and ask, “Okay, what happened in the meeting?”
Short versions you can keep ready:
- “I see it. Show me again after this call.”
- “I’m wiped out. Can you tell me at dinner? I want to hear it.”
- “That’s funny. I’m driving, I’ll reply when I park.”
If you promise a time and miss it, say so. “I said five minutes and it turned into an hour. I’m here now” repairs the miss.
A bid that comes in the middle of a fight is a different moment. The Gottman Institute describes flooding as physiological overwhelm during conflict, often marked by a heart rate above about 100 beats per minute (bpm), in its article on flooding. If you feel flooded, Gottman guidance is a stated break of at least 20 minutes and no more than 24 hours, and the heart rate figure is an approximate marker, not a medical cutoff.
How to Make Your Own Bids Easier to See
Your bids are easier to answer when you say what you want in plain words. A vague bid leaves your partner guessing, and a guess can look like a turn away.
Try swapping a vague bid for a clear one:
- “Ugh, today.” becomes “Today wore me out. Can I vent for five minutes?”
- Sitting close and waiting becomes “Can we sit together for a bit before bed?”
- “Did you see what I sent?” becomes “I sent you a song that made me think of us. Listen when you have a minute.”
If you tend to send bid after bid and feel panicky when one goes unanswered, slow down. Send one clear bid, then wait before sending another. The anxious attachment guide has more on that pattern.
If you tend to hold back from bidding at all, or step away when your partner reaches for you, start smaller. Share one photo or one sentence about your day, once a day, and notice how your partner answers. The avoidant attachment guide covers the pull to withdraw. One habit does not tell you anyone’s attachment style, so describe the behavior you see instead of labeling yourself or your partner.
Bids for Connection over Text and Long Distance
Long-distance couples can turn toward bids by text, voice note or call, with the same three choices couples face at home. A thumbs-up on a long message about a hard day is closer to a turn away than a turn toward.
Use these habits when you are apart:
- Reply to one specific detail in what your partner sent, such as “That dog in the photo looks just like Max.”
- When you cannot reply properly, send a holding text: “Saw this, in a meeting, will call you tonight.”
- Agree with your partner on a quick signal, such as a heart emoji, that means “Seen it, more later.”
- Set a standing call time each week so some bids have a place to land.
A message left on read can feel like a turn away even when your partner is just busy. Ask before you assume: “I sent you something earlier. Did you get a chance to look?” The long-distance relationship guide has more ways to stay close across time zones.
When Your Bids for Connection Keep Getting Ignored
If your bids are ignored again and again, raise it directly using a softened start-up, then bring in a couples therapist if nothing changes. The Gottman Institute describes a softened start-up as raising a complaint by naming your feelings about a specific situation and stating a positive need, without blame.
If the bid you keep making is for a compliment or some appreciation, see what to do when your husband never compliments you.
Compare these two openings:
Criticism: “You never listen to me. You care more about your phone than me.”
Softened start-up: “I’ve been feeling lonely in the evenings. When I tell you about my day and you keep looking at your phone, I feel like it doesn’t matter. I’d love ten minutes after dinner with both our phones away.”
The Gottman Institute names criticism as one of four behaviors that predict relationship trouble, along with contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling, and lists the softened start-up as its antidote in The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. Our Four Horsemen guide explains all four.
Pick a calm time for the talk, away from a moment when a bid just got missed. Ask for one thing your partner can do this week. The communication guide has more scripts for raising hard topics. If the whole relationship feels far away, our guide to feeling distant from your partner sets out a first-steps sequence.
Watch whether turning against has become the usual answer, such as eye-rolling, mocking or sneering when you reach out. According to the Gottman Institute, contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce, and its antidote is building a culture of appreciation and respect. If you have had the talk and the pattern stays the same, book a couples therapist. The how to save a relationship guide covers the bigger steps.
When Ignoring Is Used to Punish or Control
Ignoring your bids on purpose to punish, control or scare you is a safety issue, and the habits on this page do not apply. Examples include ignoring you for days until you apologize for something you did not do, humiliating you when you reach out, or pairing silence with threats.
Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening. Insults, humiliation, threats and fear are ways of controlling someone, and a missed-bid script will not fix them.
Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 (free, confidential, 24/7), or reach love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or by texting LOVEIS to 22522. If you are thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988, and call 911 in an emergency.
A Week-Long Practice for Turning Toward
A seven-day practice helps you notice bids before you try to change how you answer them. Do it alone, or tell your partner and both try it.
- Day 1: Notice. Keep a quiet tally of the bids you spot. Change nothing yet.
- Day 2: Name one out loud. “I saw you point out the sunset earlier. It was beautiful.”
- Day 3: Use the 10-second reply. Look up, name what you heard, and give a time for every bid you catch.
- Day 4: Make one clear bid yourself. Say exactly what you want, like “Can you sit with me while I drink my coffee?”
- Day 5: Ask a bigger question. Pick one from our list of deep questions to ask your partner.
- Day 6: Check in together. Use the relationship check-in questions to talk about which bids felt good to give and get.
- Day 7: Plan time together. Choose something from our date night ideas and put it on the calendar.
Tonight, pick one bid for connection your partner makes, put your phone face down, and answer it with one full sentence.