Gaslighting in a relationship is a repeated pattern of a partner denying or rewriting events so that you doubt your own memory. At Love Answers, we read the guidance from the National Domestic Violence Hotline and turn it into plain checks you can use to evaluate what is happening.
If you feel afraid or unsafe with your partner, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. You can also reach love is respect at 1-866-331-9474 or text LOVEIS to 22522, call or text the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988, or call 911 in an emergency.
How to Tell If a Partner Is Gaslighting You
The National Domestic Violence Hotline calls gaslighting a form of emotional abuse.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline identifies five specific techniques that abusive partners might use:
- Withholding. The partner pretends not to understand you or refuses to listen. An example phrase for this tactic is: “I don’t want to hear this again.”
- Countering. The partner questions your memory of an event even when you remember what happened accurately. An example phrase for this tactic is: “You’re wrong, you never remember things correctly.”
- Blocking or diverting. The partner changes the subject or questions your thoughts. An example phrase for this tactic is: “You’re imagining things.”
- Trivializing. The partner makes your needs, concerns, or hurt feelings seem tiny and unimportant. An example phrase for this tactic is: “You’re too sensitive.”
- Forgetting or denial. The partner claims to have completely forgotten an event or denies making promises that they made. An example phrase for this tactic is: “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
The Hotline also gives these examples: “You’re crazy, that never happened.” “Are you sure? You tend to have a bad memory.” “It’s all in your head.”
Signs You Are Second-Guessing Yourself
On its resource page, the National Domestic Violence Hotline lists signs of being gaslit, attributing them to psychoanalyst Robin Stern, Ph.D.:
- You constantly second-guess yourself during daily interactions.
- You ask yourself “Am I too sensitive?” many times a day.
- You often feel confused and even crazy in your relationship.
- You find yourself always apologizing to your partner.
- You cannot understand why you are not happier when so much of your life looks good from the outside.
- You make excuses for your partner’s behavior to your friends and family members.
- You withhold information from friends and family so you do not have to explain or defend what happened.
- You know something is terribly wrong in your life, but you cannot explain what it is.
- You start lying to avoid put-downs and reality twists from your partner.
- You have trouble making simple decisions.
- You sense you used to be more confident, more fun-loving, and more relaxed than you are now.
- You feel hopeless and joyless as you move through your routine.
- You feel you cannot do anything right no matter how hard you try.
- You wonder if you are a “good enough” partner for the other person.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that emotional abuse includes non-physical behaviors meant to control, isolate, or frighten a partner. Over time, these actions can wear down your self-worth, your confidence, and your mental and emotional strength. If your partner also yells at you, our guide to yelling and emotional abuse covers when yelling counts as emotional abuse.
The National Domestic Violence Hotline’s emotional abuse resources warn against partners who call you names, put you down, or try to control your time and actions. They also point to jealousy over time spent with friends or family, punishing you by withholding attention or affection, threatening harm, and blaming you for their own actions. Our toxic relationship guide covers more of these patterns.
A One-Off Disagreement Versus a Pattern
Two people can remember the same conversation differently without either one trying to manipulate the other. Our editorial suggestion is a three-part test to separate an ordinary memory mismatch from a pattern of gaslighting:
- Repetition. Does the partner rewrite past events across many different discussions, or did a disagreement happen once? An ordinary memory lapse happens occasionally, while gaslighting keeps happening across discussions.
- Impact on your self-trust. Does the interaction leave you doubting your basic sanity and memory, or does it leave you working through a standard difference of opinion?
- Use to win or avoid. Does the denial always surface when your partner needs to escape accountability, dismiss your hurt feelings, or win an argument?
Say you remember your partner agreeing to pick up groceries on Tuesday afternoon, but your partner insists they said Wednesday evening. If your partner says, “I really thought I said Wednesday, but I am sorry for the mix-up, let’s fix it,” that is a simple miscommunication. Neither person is trying to break down the other’s sense of reality. You can review healthier ways to discuss disagreements in our relationship communication guide.
In an abusive pattern, the same disagreement ends with the partner questioning your memory even when you remember accurately, and it happens again the next time. Our red flags in a relationship guide covers other early warning signs.
Why Gaslighting Builds Slowly
The National Domestic Violence Hotline explains that gaslighting usually happens gradually, with early actions that may seem harmless. It also notes that once an abusive partner has broken down your ability to trust your own perceptions, you are more likely to stay in the relationship. You can come to rely on the partner to define reality. The term comes from the 1938 stage play Gas Light.
What to Do Next
As the National Domestic Violence Hotline describes it, gaslighting is a repeated pattern of denying or rewriting events that leaves you doubting your own memory. Our suggested test for telling it apart from an ordinary disagreement checks three things. It asks whether the denial repeats and whether it shakes your trust in your own memory. It also asks whether your partner uses it to win or avoid accountability.
Who This Is Not For and What Would Change This Answer
This guidance is not for two people who occasionally misremember a detail, acknowledge the mistake, apologize, and fix it together. That is an ordinary memory mismatch. The answer changes if the pattern comes with fear, control, or threats: the next step is an advocate. It also changes if a single event was followed by an apology and changed behavior.
Practical Steps to Take
If you recognize that a partner is gaslighting you, take deliberate steps to protect your well-being:
- Tell a trusted person. Tell one trusted friend or family member what you are experiencing.
- Consult an advocate. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788 to speak with an advocate about what you are experiencing. Advocates provide free, confidential guidance 24/7.
- Use safety tools. The National Domestic Violence Hotline provides a dedicated plan for safety resource with tools to help you stay safer.
- Choose individual support. Focus on individual therapy or advocate support rather than couples counseling. Couples counseling is usually not recommended while abuse is happening.
Reach out to one trusted friend, family member, or advocate today and describe one conversation that made you doubt your memory.